Expectation versus Reality

Expectation: I thought I would bounce back quickly.
Reality: I did not.

Expectation: weight dropping off quickly.
Reality: it is not.

Expectation: My energy levels would sky rocket.
Reality: it hasn't.....at least not yet.

Expectation: I would still be the same old person.
Reality: I am not.

What Now??

So now what happens.  I keep plugging away.  I'm getting much braver which is a good thing.  But I still don't feel like eating.  I have to force it.  Things taste fine, but I just don't care to eat.  Go figure....a girl who use to be able to eat even when she wasn't hungry now doesn't want to eat....EVER. I go back to work next Thursday.  I'll be fine, tired but fine.  I have enough foods that I can safely eat at work and in a timely manner. I eat a lot of cold stuff.  Trying to eat a warm meal is tricky.  It takes me so long that my meal is cold by the time I finish.

The next big problem is people "looking" at me.  Not my close friends and family.  But people who know I've had the surgery and they are trying to see if they can tell if I've lost weight.  I could be projecting my own feelings onto them, but sometimes I don't think so.  They look me up and down and I can feel their disappointment that I haven't lost more.  I feel the disappointment every time I step on the scale or look in the mirror.  I'm at 44lbs and can't understand why I'm not losing more quickly.  I'm walking, eating very little.....so WTF.  The only thing I can think of is that I'm still not getting all of the protein I need and sometimes I forget to take all of my pills.  So maybe that's hurting me.  Who knows.  People say that what I've done is taking the easy way out.....well let me tell you....so far there is nothing easy about it.

This weekend we are going to a dance.  I'm a little nervous.  I know everyone will be checking to see what's happening with the fat girl....and they will look at me with disappointment....and because I can't drink I'll have to pretend not to notice. ~sigh~

On a different note.  The room for the kids is almost complete.  I'm so excited.  I hope they enjoy it.  If they don't I'm taking it over 'cause I love it.

I'm Fine!

.....or am I???

This Thursday will mark 1 month post op.  I want to be fine.  I'm trying to be fine...but I'm not sure it's working for me.  Every day is a new start, and I try to tell myself "today's the day I'll do better".  Then before I know it, it's noon and I haven't eaten my breakfast yet and I forgot to take my multi vitamin.  So I down the vitamin (which is better, but still totally gross), and then I try to think of what I can have for brunch.  I'm sick to death of yogurt, but it's the one thing that I know for sure doesn't do anything weird to me and it's got lots of protein. So for now it's my fall back. To top it all off the scale hasn't moved in 3 days and that just pisses me off.  "The book" says that if I don't eat I will experience stalls in weight loss because my body is afraid of starvation so it's hanging on to what little I'm giving it.  Stupid body.  I'm tired, I'm grumpy, I'm whiny....yeah yeah smart asses that are thinking "well that's nothing new".  The one thing I said to Brett that I was afraid of was being sick all of the time.  I'm not sick, but I'm not myself.  I don't want this to be my new self.  I don't like her at all.  I'm trying very hard to keep looking at the big picture but right now that's hard.  I'm just trying to get through each day without beating myself up about what I haven't managed to do. ~Sigh~ If the scale was still moving at least I would have that as a success.  So again I will try to get in at least three meals and make sure I get in all of my vitamins. I go see the doctor on Thursday to determine if I'm ready to go back to work.  That scares me.  On one hand I just want to move forward.....but on the other hand with the way I'm feeling and how exhausted I am I'm not sure it's in my best interested.  Just trying to make sure I don't dehydrate is almost a full time job.  I knew it wasn't going to be easy, but I never imagined it would be this hard or frustrating.  I wouldn't let myself read some of the things on line, cause I didn't want to get scared.  I've read some of those things now and yep you guessed it, I'm scared.  People who are a few years out and they're having blockage issues, or still can't tolerate food.  Some days I think I'm being punished for choosing surgery instead of doing it the old fashioned way.  All I wanted is to be normal.  I think that might be a little to far out of reach.