My Fit Bit is a Bitch!

Decided to celebrate my 5 year anniversary by purchasing myself a fitbit.  Big mistake.....HUGE.  She is a nasty little thing.  She whines more then I do.  She's always telling me to "feed" her more steps...nice choice of words Estelle (that's what I've named her, I have no idea why). Estelle likes to make a big commotion if I haven't moved my ass in awhile.  She likes to make sure I take at least 250 steps every hour.  I have a desk job.  Sometimes I don't even realize I've sat for an hour.  So now when she starts yelling (vibrating) at me, I get up and walk to the back of our shop and back a couple of times.  Sometimes that gets boring so I walk out the back door and in the front or the other way around.  I'm sure if anyone in the neighbouring buildings sees me the wonder what on earth the crazy girl at FPS is doing?? Meh! C'est la vie. I will give credit where credit is due however.  Estelle has made me move more....and that could be just what I needed.
Estelle also likes to guilt me into walking at lunch.  This isn't so bad except that there are wild animals in my pathway.  The kind that attack.  So I can't walk the lovely sidewalked (I know not a word) path....I have to walk the other direction on the side of the road or in the grass and garbage (stop littering effers!!!).  I hate geese! 

**side note:  after my last blog post that I shared openly on FB I received quite a few comments and messages.  Thank you all.  As I've said before....being extra means I also share far to much.  Not thinking about consequences and whether I might offend or hurt someones feelings.  Know that, this is never my intention.  I find blogging a little therapeutic.  In fact I went back and reread everything.  Some of it was a little hard to read.  Some was funny and some I had totally forgotten about.  Be prepared....things could get freaky!! Bahahahahaha.

Who's that girl?!? My 5 year Anniversary

Today, May 15 2019 is the anniversary of my gastric bypass surgery.  Sometimes I feel like it's zipped by and others it feels like a lifetime ago.  On July 2 2013 after many, many attempts to lose weight I decided along with my doctor that I would take the big step and have gastric bypass surgery.  The decision was not made lightly and I talked to Brett, my family and friends before I decided what to go that route.  The process took almost a year. Everyone had opinions, this is a good thing.  Some of them were positive, some not so much.  But that's the great thing about getting to express your opinion.  It made me do my research.  It made me learn everything I could about how things were going to change.  Was I up to those changes.  Could I make the lifestyle choices that I needed to.....the answer is NO.  LOL....don't get me wrong.  I try very hard.  I have an addictive personality.  As you've heard my daughter say...I'm extra.  This means everything I do....I over do.  The good and the bad, much to the dismay or delight of everyone who's lives I touch.  

So today as I sit here and reflect....the bad

• Too much extra skin hanging from my body
• My incredibly thin hair due to it continuously falling out (but hey I only have to get my hair cut once a year).
•  A morning mixture of 7 vitamins and 2 prescription pills to keep me healthy...as well as 4 more vitamins throughout the day.
• The effects when I don't keep up with the pills like I'm supposed to. 
• The never knowing how food will effect me.  So far I've been incredibly lucky.  The worst things that have happened (fingers crossed it's all that will happen) is I get really tired, or it can feel like I have food stuck and I have to lay flat to make the ache go away. 
• The anxiety and dare I say depression (shhhhhh we don't talk about that).....I have now is my biggest hurdle.  Because I feel like I missed so much I sometimes want to try and do everything.  But I'm afraid to try.  I'm afraid of failure, of not being accepted.  Afraid of disappointing the people I care about. Self loathing and low self confidence can be a real bitch.  But I'm working on that!! 
• I developed a crazy alter-ego when I drink. She's bat shit crazy....I kinda like her...if she'd just let me remember things a little better, I'd love her.  My family isn't really crazy about her.

When I was heavier I had a bubble that I lived in.  I wouldn't meet Brett's work friends, or heaven forbid I have to attend a school event with the kids.  What if I embarrassed Brett, what if the kids got teased because their mom was fat (it happened....it was horrible). My friends and family kept me safe.  If I had to go somewhere that I really didn't want to someone would come with me to help me get through it.  My family and friends were my protectors.  They still are.

But now for the good:

•  I lost over 172lbs!  Have I gained any back. Yes!! No I won't tell you how much.  ....that's part of the reason I'm typing this.  As a five year gift to myself I'm going to attempt to get back on track.  Because I have an addictive personality it's a slippery slope.  I need to be more aware of what I'm doing to myself. 
•  I went on trip to Florida with my family and had the time of my life.  I para-sailed with my daughter.  The look on her face meant everything to me.
•  I got to buy a pair of silver jeans....and I get to wear dresses now....even with the saggy skin.  It's the one thing I allow myself to do and I try not to stress about the looks.
•  I went ice skating with my kids.
•  I can get in and out of the boat with the reflexes of cat...bahahahahaha....fine I'm still as clumsy as ever but I CAN get in and out of the boat.  In fact the boat is now my favorite place to be.
•  I took a chance and went for a job interview for an ad I saw on facebook.  I knew nothing about the field of work, I'm still learning.  They took a chance on me.  I'm still here.  They are now family.
•  When I was heavier I was an observer at the Halloween parties and dances....now I can and do dress up every chance I get (thank you Suzy, Brett and Chris for always indulging me and being a part of that).
•  I finished a 5K mud run and had the time of my life doing it with some super great women. 
• I went tubing....thanks Nancy!!
• Poor Brett indulges all of my craziness and makes sure to help me when I struggle.  Without him I wouldn't have made it as far as I have. 

Long and short of it....yes there are struggles....set backs ...and I haven't even touched on half of them.  But the pros far out way the cons.  I will always miss the woman I was.  After all, she married a great guy, had two beautiful babies and had a pretty comfy life. But she was an observer.  I want to be a participant. I should've done it far sooner.  I can't get back the time I've lost with my family.  But I'm trying really hard to make it up.  I can't wait to see what's still to come.

With love, Delta Dawn