Really....

I never wrote in length about Brett's cancer.  It was too scary.  Everyone who knows us, knows that we are a team.  That Brett takes care of me (of us, he's an excellent father).  He's  not only my husband...he's my protector, my cheerleader, my team mate. No we aren't perfect, yes we argue, fight and say nasty things to each other.....but we would fight tooth and nail for each other. So when we got the news, after I assured him everything would be fine...it knocked the wind from my sails.  For a week I couldn't even absorb what had been said to us.  I'm not sure if everyone is the same but I imagine everyone goes through stages.  Now if this post seems very one sided....well it is.  I can only speak for how I felt, how I handled it, how I'm still  handling it. So this isn't a poor poor me post, trust me I've done enough of that all on my own.  Writing for me is cathartic. It lets me get rid of some of the crazy inside my head.  Some of it I share here, some of it I write in a journal just for me. Anyway....got off track there.  Brett went off on sick leave when he found out.  This was strange to me only because I don't think I could do that.  Far to much time would be spent in my head and that's a scary fucking thought.  But it's what he needed to do and I supported it.  We met with a great surgeon.  It's part of the reason we decided on the treatment we did.  This guy knew his stuff.  He was very confident that he could help Brett and that the treatment would be successful.  Brett had surgery last September and it went incredibly well.  There were a few speed bumps and I cried a lot...but nothing we couldn't handle (just because I cry doesn't mean I can't handle it, lets get that straight). So it's been a year and we can say Brett is cancer free, he has to be checked regularly but that's ok.  Small price to pay.  
Now lets remember that this is after our family had gone through Myrna's breast cancer....another true survivor.  That woman is a warrior in every sense of the word.  She did surgery, radiation, chemo....she did it all and never once complained about it.  If she ever felt sorry for herself she never let us see it.  If she ever felt defeated...again...we didn't know it.  Her going through what she did like such a bad ass gave me the hope that Brett would do the same....he did.

Neuroendocrine tumor.....this word I was introduced to on August 25th, 2019.  My Aunt Suzy (you know my best friend, and partner in crime) had to tell me that she was going in for an operation as she had a very rare type of cancerous tumor.  It's so rare that we're waiting for them to figure out how they're going to handle it (yep, I cried when she told me, but only for a second).  This woman has had every test known to man kind and few they made up I think.  She is baffling them.  It doesn't look like it's spread anywhere (great news), but they're going to take out her lymph nodes just in case (well ok...but why didn't you just take them the first time????) One minute they tell her if "this particular test" comes back clear you won't have to do anything else....oh but wait...better do this other test just to be sure.  And hey, I'm all for ruling everything out but I would think that when you're the one it's happening to it must be terrifying.  I know I'm terrified and again it's not happening to me. **side note....I indeed ask permission from Suzy before I posted anything about her online.  She ok'd it!!**

Today I'm at work, and I get the text from my mom (she had taken Jack to the doctor) "we're home"....I say "and....." she texts me something and I say I'm gonna call.  She tries to soften things for me (cause I'm a fucking baby).  There's concerning news but not devastating she says.....Jack has colon cancer (my mind automatically screams ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME!!!!).  But I didn't say that. I think I just said "for fuck sakes" but not loudly or aggressively....points for me! I also didn't cry (at least not while I was on the phone with her....when I told Brett...well that's none of your business...lol).  So now here we are again.  Waiting on doctors...for tests...then test results...then waiting for what the plan of action will be.  

That is one thing I have learned.  There is lots of waiting when it comes to the big "C".  Another thing I've learned is that even though I cry (I know, I know A LOT) it doesn't mean I'm weak or can't handle things.  Crying lets me get rid of the anguish and move forward.  Crying lets me wash some of the grief away and think more clearly in hopes that I can be more a help then a hindrance to the people I love.  Yes, sometimes my thoughts go straight to, how can this keep happening to all of the important people in my life....why me...why us....poor poor girl....and then I try to get my head out of my ass and figure out how I can give these people I care about some of my strength.  How can I make sure they know they can lean on me, they can call on me whenever they need to. I can do this by listening to them, by talking if they want to talk, remaining silent if that's what they need.  Never shying away from the tough talks, and never making them feel likes their fears, wants or needs are silly or unjustified.

The most important thing I've learned is that life is short and you never know what each day holds.  After Brett's scare we came to a decision to sell Brett's beloved cottage (yes I love the cottage as well my heart is breaking, but not like he does).  So when you ask us "Why on earth would you ever sell this place, it's beautiful.....don't think we don't ask ourselves that every day...and doubt the decision we've made everyday. Part of the reason is because I'm horrible with money and the taxes back there are drowning us.  If anything were to happen to Brett, I wouldn't be able to stay there.  There is far to much upkeep.  We couldn't leave it to the kids, again the financial burden would be far to great.  We are still fairly young and are now in fairly good health.  We want to enjoy each other and our families. We want to worry less about how we're going to make ends meet and focus more on the adventures that await us.  Will we miss the lake and the cottage...... There is no question in my mind that we will miss it, and I will cry....a lot when we leave....hell I've started crying already (Brett likes to remind me that I cried when we disconnected our land line because we had, had the same number since 1995 when we got married).  So if you see me and I look like I'm close to tears or have been crying....I have...I'll be fine....no there's nothing you can do for me (well presents are always nice..jk). There are many, many lakes all with cottages that could be rented.  We will be able to enjoy those just as much.  Maybe we will buy another cottage someday.  Maybe we'll stay right in the village and become the crazy old couple in the smurfy blue house who love having beers in the barn and munchies at the manor. Or maybe we'll run away and join circus....the possibilities are endless.  Just you wait to see what we do!