Just over a week!

Welcome to the freak show!

Yes, that's kinda how I feel......lol.  I did this to be "normal" and I'm anything but.  It takes me forever to eat....drinking is no better.  Everyone has questions, which I'm totally fine with, but I don't want people to think that's all we can talk about.  I don't want people to have to worry about me.  I know that this will all change, but right now that seems so far off.  Patience.....I know patience....I don't think that's one of my finer traits though. 

My one week follow up went well. Wounds are healing nicely, she answered the questions I had.  All is good.

I'm moving around pretty good now as well.  Going to start walking this week. Need to get this body moving.  I'm considering looking into some sort of class or something (I have to wait at least 6 weeks before I get into anything to strenuous).  There is a young woman in Battersea who runs some 4-8 week programs that I've been looking into but I'm worried about cost.  I also was contacted by another friend who recently became a personal trainer, but I'm not sure I want someone who I know well being my trainer.  I'm also worried I won't be able to keep up.  I have never been the most athletic person, even in my younger years when I was a fairly normal weight. You might even say I'm a wee bit clumsy.  It will make for a hilarious work out but it's not something I'm sure I want to share with the world...lol.  The most you might get from me is a shabam class with my family...and I will be wearing depends for that because I'm sure if I don't I might pee my pants.

Surgery

Getting Ready To Go:
Brett and I decided to leave for Ottawa the night before surgery.  This way we wouldn't have to worry about traffic or anything.  I think it was a good idea.  We were both a little wired and this would just be less stressful.  RoSanne met us at the hotel and we just sat around and talked for a bit.  The kids were going to stay at home for the first time alone.  I was a little worried, but knew they could do it.
Surgery Day:
We got to the hospital in plenty of time.  The took me into a pre-op room and got me all settled for a bit.  Brett got to sit in there with me while we waiting.  My surgery was scheduled for 10:25.  They whisked me away from Brett around 9:30ish. We said our I love you's and then he was gone.  They left me in a hall way on a stretcher waiting for the OR to get prepped.  The anesthesiologist was a very nice man, with a kind voice.  When it was time to go in the wheeled me in so far then I got up and got onto the operating table.  This was where I started to get nervous.  But the man with the kind voice, walked me through it, helped me concentrate on my breathing and before I knew it I was out like a light.
I woke up sometime later (I couldn't find a clock) and felt very groggy.  The more I tried to keep my eyes open, the more they wanted to close.  There was a nurse that kept coming over and asking me to rate my pain on a scale of 1-10.  I just kept rating it a 5.  I felt like I was there forever.  Turns out I was.  They didn't have a room for me.  My surgery was over at about 11:30 and I didn't get a room until 5:30.  Thank goodness RoSanne was there with Brett or it would have been a long stressful wait for him.  I kept asking the nurses if my husband knew what the hold up was.  They told me yes.  I guess they didn't until almost 5:00.  Good thing my mother wasn't there.....at least they would've known what was going on.
They finally wheeled me to the door of my room.  This is where they started making me walk.  I thought this was cruel and unusual punishment, but I managed it.  After they got me settled in I got to see Brett and RoSanne. I was however not very good company.  We tried to talk but I was so tired again that I couldn't keep my eyes open.  I think they stayed until 7:00 but really lost all track of time. 
The night was uneventful.
Day 2
I woke up the next morning, managed to get to the bathroom alone.  Was only taking a few meds and managing to sip water like I was supposed to. Brett and RoSanne came to visit for the morning and they left about noonish for lunch and RoSanne had to go to work. The nurses encouraged us (me and the other patients in my room) to get up and walk.  I walked to the shower.  Stupid Bryan (yes they put boys and girls in the same room, I didn't know this) who shared my room was up practically running marathons and farting up a storm, something else I wasn't able to do. I wanted to put a pillow over his face.....I refrained.  Things were pretty uneventful.  
Day 3:
I did however wake up at about 3:00 in the morning and felt a bit icky.  I went to the bathroom and it seemed to take me a lot longer to walk there. By the time I got back to my bed I was very out of breath.  I laid there for a bit and waited for the feeling to pass.  I thought maybe I had gas so I stood back up and just kind of paced around. I mentioned to the nurse that I didn't feel so great but she was just covering for my night nurse while she was on break.  She told me not to worry about it and that she would send my nurse when her break was over.   When my nurse came in she gave me some meds.  I couldn't fall back to sleep.  At 5:00 I texted Brett and told him I thought something might be wrong.  He snuck in to see me at 6:00 to check and see if I was ok.  I said that I would know more later when the day nurse came back in.  I sent him back for some more sleep and breakfast.
At 8:00 I remembering standing to go to the bathroom and I never made it.  I woke up sprawled across my bed, one slipper on one slipper off...and I have no idea if my lady bits were hanging out, my head wedged underneath the bedside table.  Not sure if I fainted or what.  I told the nurse what happened and she ordered blood work right away.  Oh no...today is the day I get to go home.  The blood work showed that my hemoglobin's were down.  Didn't mean I couldn't go home, just meant it might be later in the day.  Stupid Bryan was leaving right then.  Jerk.
At 10:30 I couldn't wait anymore I needed to pee. So Sara (my awesome nurse) and Brett stood with me while I tried to stand up.  It didn't work.  I passed out again.  Sara pulled the plug on all hopes of me going home.  My husband was thrilled, he didn't want to take me home in the shape I was in.  He wanted me surrounded by people who could fix me if something went wrong.  I don't blame him....I would've wanted the same for him.  The biggest reason I was upset about not going home is that it made me doubt my decision about the surgery.  What had I done to myself? Had I made a big mistake?  My hemoglobin's went down 2 more times.  It looks like I had a small bleed.  I would have to go for a CT scan.  They put me back on an IV because I had become dehydrated.  I felt poopy.  After 3 IV bags I started to come around.  I managed to get up without falling down.  I could use the bathroom again, I was just slow.  The CT scan was at 10:00.  It was yucky, the stuff they make you drink is horrible. ( I need to mention here that Renee was a godsend during all of the blood work results and all of the testing, I would text here with updates and she would assure me that this was great news that they were checking all of the things they should be. She would explain anything that I didn't understand.  It was wonderful and I can't thank her enough)
Day 4
I woke up feeling fine.  Almost good.  I could walk.  I could drink.  Now I just had to wait and see what the doctor said.  He finally came in a around 10:00.  I had definitely had a small bleed but it was so small that it was already fixing it's self and the bleeding had stopped.  My hemoglobin's were up and YAY I could go home.  The difference in the way I felt from one day to the next was almost crazy.  I showered and we were off for home.  The drive was fine.  we stopped and saw everyone at my mom's for just a few minutes.  Then I went home and slept.  
Home:
My kids did awesome.  They stayed the entire time alone and took care of the house and dog for me. 
I am very happy to be home.  The first day and a bit I had "at home jitters".....worried I would do something wrong.  I'm much more comfortable now, not quite as worried.  I only worry now that I'm not getting in all of the vitamins I need and I'm not really eating.  I just don't feel like it.  Getting in and out of bed is still hard, and I walk pretty slow still.  But I'm doing good.  I'm down 17lbs so far.  They tell me not to use the scale much yet because it may start slow and then speed up once I get used to a new routine.  

Thank you to my husband for being so patient and understanding.  He did so awesome and is still doing so great.
Thank you to my kids who proved to me that they can take care of themselves and me.  I just don't make them do it.  They did so well, and are helping me at home with anything I ask of them.
Thank you to my mom, who drops everything for me.  Who babies me even when I resist sometimes.  Who forgives me when I get a little snarky with her.  
Thank you to RoSanne for arranging to work in Ottawa so she could sit with Brett during the surgery and visit me.
Thank you to Julie and Suzy for listening to me for the whole lead up.  For cheering me on. For continuing to support me.  
Thank you to Renee who was my own on call nurse even if she wasn't supposed to be working the long weekend.
To all of the above for knowing that I can do this even If I'm not always sure I can.  I love you all so much.
Thank you to the rest of my support system and you know who you are.....I can name each and everyone of you but I'm pretty sure this blog is getting a little long and wordy. If you've ever been to a Sunday Funday or any other event at Grandma Jo's know that I feel you're included as part of my "cheering section".  I couldn't do it without any of you.

P.S. to those of you who know my fear of passing gas....well I managed and it was just as funny as we thought it would be.

What's Done Is Done

Well, I've decided to stay on at the storefront for now.  Would I have liked to sign and walk.  You bet.  But for now it's just not economically possible.  Walking away from full time/benefits and a pension is just to risky.  It doesn't mean I have to stay here forever.  I would be lying if I said I wasn't nervous that they will just find a different way to get rid of me later.  I'm sure that's they're plan.  So hopefully I can hold my own for awhile and then leave on my own terms.
I've decided that I"m not going to waste anymore tears or stress on the whole situation right now.  I have other more important things to concentrate on right now.

and speaking of that……

I have six more days of opti left.  I was surprised that I have been finding it harder now than I did in the beginning.  I mean it's great that I have the chocolate ones now.  That has made it much easier.  But I'm hungrier now than I was in the beginning.  Brett and Addy give me trouble and tell me it's because I'm not always getting in 4 shakes a day. Which is true on some days.  But like today for instance, I've had my morning shake and should be having another one in about an hour or so.  But I'm super hungry right now.  My tummy is growling.  It sucks. 

I'm starting to get a little bit nervous.  Not for the surgery part, I'm still not worried about that at all.  I'm worried about the after.  I was in a good position work wise for being able to take my time eating and really focus on it like they tell you, you have to.  But now that I will be back out in the store I won't be able to focus and I won't be able to take as much time as I might need. That makes me nervous.  But I work with some great people so hopefully they will be patient.  I will just make sure I work extra hard to make up for smaller eating breaks throughout the day.
I'm also getting nervous about hair loss, and being tired all of the time (for the first few months).  Once I lose some weight my energy should boost back up….but the unknown is frightening.
I'm also worried that I won't ever be "normal" again (not a word Suzy!!!) I don't want people to stare at me when I'm eating (I know that my close family and friends won't), but you know those casual acquaintances.  I know it's all silly things to worry about but hey…….what can I say.

Well that was unexpected!

I had my pre-op appointment on Thursday.  Everything went fine, it was very uneventful.

Friday however was something I hope I never have to experience again, but with the way things are lately I doubt this will be the last time.  I had a Friday morning meeting….the news was not good.  They eliminated the seven lead hand positions.  I hadn't quite lost my job, but I had definitely lost my position.  It felt like I got kicked in the guts.  It still does. They are "stream lining".  Kim will now be responsible for Kingston and Belleville and she will do my duties and her own.
I thought I was good at my job.  Apparently I was mistaken. Or that's how I feel.  Now I have to decide if I want to continue working there back out on a desk or if I want to take a buy out.  I'm afraid to go back on the desk.  I'm afraid I won't be able to meet the target numbers.  I see how the reps struggle, I will struggle.  I'm afraid it's only a matter of time before they phase me out. My pride is also hurt, how do I look my co-workers in the face.  Knowing that I failed.  Also I'm bitter.  So what if I can't put the hard feelings aside and all I do is go in there and "push back".  I have 6 more days to decide.  Hmmmm…maybe my fairy godmother will come and *poof* get me a new job quick as can be.