Really....

I never wrote in length about Brett's cancer.  It was too scary.  Everyone who knows us, knows that we are a team.  That Brett takes care of me (of us, he's an excellent father).  He's  not only my husband...he's my protector, my cheerleader, my team mate. No we aren't perfect, yes we argue, fight and say nasty things to each other.....but we would fight tooth and nail for each other. So when we got the news, after I assured him everything would be fine...it knocked the wind from my sails.  For a week I couldn't even absorb what had been said to us.  I'm not sure if everyone is the same but I imagine everyone goes through stages.  Now if this post seems very one sided....well it is.  I can only speak for how I felt, how I handled it, how I'm still  handling it. So this isn't a poor poor me post, trust me I've done enough of that all on my own.  Writing for me is cathartic. It lets me get rid of some of the crazy inside my head.  Some of it I share here, some of it I write in a journal just for me. Anyway....got off track there.  Brett went off on sick leave when he found out.  This was strange to me only because I don't think I could do that.  Far to much time would be spent in my head and that's a scary fucking thought.  But it's what he needed to do and I supported it.  We met with a great surgeon.  It's part of the reason we decided on the treatment we did.  This guy knew his stuff.  He was very confident that he could help Brett and that the treatment would be successful.  Brett had surgery last September and it went incredibly well.  There were a few speed bumps and I cried a lot...but nothing we couldn't handle (just because I cry doesn't mean I can't handle it, lets get that straight). So it's been a year and we can say Brett is cancer free, he has to be checked regularly but that's ok.  Small price to pay.  
Now lets remember that this is after our family had gone through Myrna's breast cancer....another true survivor.  That woman is a warrior in every sense of the word.  She did surgery, radiation, chemo....she did it all and never once complained about it.  If she ever felt sorry for herself she never let us see it.  If she ever felt defeated...again...we didn't know it.  Her going through what she did like such a bad ass gave me the hope that Brett would do the same....he did.

Neuroendocrine tumor.....this word I was introduced to on August 25th, 2019.  My Aunt Suzy (you know my best friend, and partner in crime) had to tell me that she was going in for an operation as she had a very rare type of cancerous tumor.  It's so rare that we're waiting for them to figure out how they're going to handle it (yep, I cried when she told me, but only for a second).  This woman has had every test known to man kind and few they made up I think.  She is baffling them.  It doesn't look like it's spread anywhere (great news), but they're going to take out her lymph nodes just in case (well ok...but why didn't you just take them the first time????) One minute they tell her if "this particular test" comes back clear you won't have to do anything else....oh but wait...better do this other test just to be sure.  And hey, I'm all for ruling everything out but I would think that when you're the one it's happening to it must be terrifying.  I know I'm terrified and again it's not happening to me. **side note....I indeed ask permission from Suzy before I posted anything about her online.  She ok'd it!!**

Today I'm at work, and I get the text from my mom (she had taken Jack to the doctor) "we're home"....I say "and....." she texts me something and I say I'm gonna call.  She tries to soften things for me (cause I'm a fucking baby).  There's concerning news but not devastating she says.....Jack has colon cancer (my mind automatically screams ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME!!!!).  But I didn't say that. I think I just said "for fuck sakes" but not loudly or aggressively....points for me! I also didn't cry (at least not while I was on the phone with her....when I told Brett...well that's none of your business...lol).  So now here we are again.  Waiting on doctors...for tests...then test results...then waiting for what the plan of action will be.  

That is one thing I have learned.  There is lots of waiting when it comes to the big "C".  Another thing I've learned is that even though I cry (I know, I know A LOT) it doesn't mean I'm weak or can't handle things.  Crying lets me get rid of the anguish and move forward.  Crying lets me wash some of the grief away and think more clearly in hopes that I can be more a help then a hindrance to the people I love.  Yes, sometimes my thoughts go straight to, how can this keep happening to all of the important people in my life....why me...why us....poor poor girl....and then I try to get my head out of my ass and figure out how I can give these people I care about some of my strength.  How can I make sure they know they can lean on me, they can call on me whenever they need to. I can do this by listening to them, by talking if they want to talk, remaining silent if that's what they need.  Never shying away from the tough talks, and never making them feel likes their fears, wants or needs are silly or unjustified.

The most important thing I've learned is that life is short and you never know what each day holds.  After Brett's scare we came to a decision to sell Brett's beloved cottage (yes I love the cottage as well my heart is breaking, but not like he does).  So when you ask us "Why on earth would you ever sell this place, it's beautiful.....don't think we don't ask ourselves that every day...and doubt the decision we've made everyday. Part of the reason is because I'm horrible with money and the taxes back there are drowning us.  If anything were to happen to Brett, I wouldn't be able to stay there.  There is far to much upkeep.  We couldn't leave it to the kids, again the financial burden would be far to great.  We are still fairly young and are now in fairly good health.  We want to enjoy each other and our families. We want to worry less about how we're going to make ends meet and focus more on the adventures that await us.  Will we miss the lake and the cottage...... There is no question in my mind that we will miss it, and I will cry....a lot when we leave....hell I've started crying already (Brett likes to remind me that I cried when we disconnected our land line because we had, had the same number since 1995 when we got married).  So if you see me and I look like I'm close to tears or have been crying....I have...I'll be fine....no there's nothing you can do for me (well presents are always nice..jk). There are many, many lakes all with cottages that could be rented.  We will be able to enjoy those just as much.  Maybe we will buy another cottage someday.  Maybe we'll stay right in the village and become the crazy old couple in the smurfy blue house who love having beers in the barn and munchies at the manor. Or maybe we'll run away and join circus....the possibilities are endless.  Just you wait to see what we do!

Mom and Jack - This is it!!

This Sunday, June 23rd will be the last "Sunday Funday" at 5336 Ramparts Lane.  When Mom and Jack first told me they had a buyer for their house I went home and cried.  Then they were so excited about their new adventure that I totally got on board.  Then this week I decided that I would try to put together a few pictures (because that's what I do)....The trip down memory lane was beautiful.  So much has happened since they moved in there. I put together a slide show and then tried to watch it.....I cried....I know, I know...I cry at everything.  I found so many pictures.  I haven't even searched the really old ones.  This was just what I found on facebook, my phone, and a couple of online albums I have. 

So to my mom and Jack.

Thank you.  Thank you for creating wonderful memories for me and my children.  Thank you for welcoming Brett's family, our friends, and my kids friends all into your home and your hearts.  Thank you for never making me feel like it wasn't just as much my home as it was yours.  Thank you Jack for indulging pretty much my every whim when it came to mom, Brett and I making plans that you then had to figure out how we were going to accomplish it all.  Thank you mom for missing out on a lot of what was going on because you were constantly trying to make sure everyone was fed, everyone had a drink, and that everyone was having a good time. All the while Brett and I got to strut around with not a care in the world and enjoy the company. I will never be able to thank the two of you enough for creating such a warm caring environment for us.  I can honestly say that I don't think there was ever one person that came to your home and didn't immediately feel welcome.  What a wonderful gift you both have.  I love you both very much.  I can't wait to see what this next journey brings for you.

I don't think the village is ready for us.  Let's give them something to talk about shall we!?! 

*** side note, this video is over 9 minutes long....I could've probably made it 9 hours long.  As I said this was just a small amount of the pictures that I have.  I wish I had started going through them sooner. This slide show isn't for everyone....only those who are bored and don't have anything better to do....and it's for my mom...cause she should see what all of her hard work created!!





you have to copy and paste the link, cause I couldn't get it to embed. Stupid thing. 

http://web.photodex.com/view/kp7b77x4

My Fit Bit is a Bitch!

Decided to celebrate my 5 year anniversary by purchasing myself a fitbit.  Big mistake.....HUGE.  She is a nasty little thing.  She whines more then I do.  She's always telling me to "feed" her more steps...nice choice of words Estelle (that's what I've named her, I have no idea why). Estelle likes to make a big commotion if I haven't moved my ass in awhile.  She likes to make sure I take at least 250 steps every hour.  I have a desk job.  Sometimes I don't even realize I've sat for an hour.  So now when she starts yelling (vibrating) at me, I get up and walk to the back of our shop and back a couple of times.  Sometimes that gets boring so I walk out the back door and in the front or the other way around.  I'm sure if anyone in the neighbouring buildings sees me the wonder what on earth the crazy girl at FPS is doing?? Meh! C'est la vie. I will give credit where credit is due however.  Estelle has made me move more....and that could be just what I needed.
Estelle also likes to guilt me into walking at lunch.  This isn't so bad except that there are wild animals in my pathway.  The kind that attack.  So I can't walk the lovely sidewalked (I know not a word) path....I have to walk the other direction on the side of the road or in the grass and garbage (stop littering effers!!!).  I hate geese! 

**side note:  after my last blog post that I shared openly on FB I received quite a few comments and messages.  Thank you all.  As I've said before....being extra means I also share far to much.  Not thinking about consequences and whether I might offend or hurt someones feelings.  Know that, this is never my intention.  I find blogging a little therapeutic.  In fact I went back and reread everything.  Some of it was a little hard to read.  Some was funny and some I had totally forgotten about.  Be prepared....things could get freaky!! Bahahahahaha.

Who's that girl?!? My 5 year Anniversary

Today, May 15 2019 is the anniversary of my gastric bypass surgery.  Sometimes I feel like it's zipped by and others it feels like a lifetime ago.  On July 2 2013 after many, many attempts to lose weight I decided along with my doctor that I would take the big step and have gastric bypass surgery.  The decision was not made lightly and I talked to Brett, my family and friends before I decided what to go that route.  The process took almost a year. Everyone had opinions, this is a good thing.  Some of them were positive, some not so much.  But that's the great thing about getting to express your opinion.  It made me do my research.  It made me learn everything I could about how things were going to change.  Was I up to those changes.  Could I make the lifestyle choices that I needed to.....the answer is NO.  LOL....don't get me wrong.  I try very hard.  I have an addictive personality.  As you've heard my daughter say...I'm extra.  This means everything I do....I over do.  The good and the bad, much to the dismay or delight of everyone who's lives I touch.  

So today as I sit here and reflect....the bad

• Too much extra skin hanging from my body
• My incredibly thin hair due to it continuously falling out (but hey I only have to get my hair cut once a year).
•  A morning mixture of 7 vitamins and 2 prescription pills to keep me healthy...as well as 4 more vitamins throughout the day.
• The effects when I don't keep up with the pills like I'm supposed to. 
• The never knowing how food will effect me.  So far I've been incredibly lucky.  The worst things that have happened (fingers crossed it's all that will happen) is I get really tired, or it can feel like I have food stuck and I have to lay flat to make the ache go away. 
• The anxiety and dare I say depression (shhhhhh we don't talk about that).....I have now is my biggest hurdle.  Because I feel like I missed so much I sometimes want to try and do everything.  But I'm afraid to try.  I'm afraid of failure, of not being accepted.  Afraid of disappointing the people I care about. Self loathing and low self confidence can be a real bitch.  But I'm working on that!! 
• I developed a crazy alter-ego when I drink. She's bat shit crazy....I kinda like her...if she'd just let me remember things a little better, I'd love her.  My family isn't really crazy about her.

When I was heavier I had a bubble that I lived in.  I wouldn't meet Brett's work friends, or heaven forbid I have to attend a school event with the kids.  What if I embarrassed Brett, what if the kids got teased because their mom was fat (it happened....it was horrible). My friends and family kept me safe.  If I had to go somewhere that I really didn't want to someone would come with me to help me get through it.  My family and friends were my protectors.  They still are.

But now for the good:

•  I lost over 172lbs!  Have I gained any back. Yes!! No I won't tell you how much.  ....that's part of the reason I'm typing this.  As a five year gift to myself I'm going to attempt to get back on track.  Because I have an addictive personality it's a slippery slope.  I need to be more aware of what I'm doing to myself. 
•  I went on trip to Florida with my family and had the time of my life.  I para-sailed with my daughter.  The look on her face meant everything to me.
•  I got to buy a pair of silver jeans....and I get to wear dresses now....even with the saggy skin.  It's the one thing I allow myself to do and I try not to stress about the looks.
•  I went ice skating with my kids.
•  I can get in and out of the boat with the reflexes of cat...bahahahahaha....fine I'm still as clumsy as ever but I CAN get in and out of the boat.  In fact the boat is now my favorite place to be.
•  I took a chance and went for a job interview for an ad I saw on facebook.  I knew nothing about the field of work, I'm still learning.  They took a chance on me.  I'm still here.  They are now family.
•  When I was heavier I was an observer at the Halloween parties and dances....now I can and do dress up every chance I get (thank you Suzy, Brett and Chris for always indulging me and being a part of that).
•  I finished a 5K mud run and had the time of my life doing it with some super great women. 
• I went tubing....thanks Nancy!!
• Poor Brett indulges all of my craziness and makes sure to help me when I struggle.  Without him I wouldn't have made it as far as I have. 

Long and short of it....yes there are struggles....set backs ...and I haven't even touched on half of them.  But the pros far out way the cons.  I will always miss the woman I was.  After all, she married a great guy, had two beautiful babies and had a pretty comfy life. But she was an observer.  I want to be a participant. I should've done it far sooner.  I can't get back the time I've lost with my family.  But I'm trying really hard to make it up.  I can't wait to see what's still to come.

With love, Delta Dawn