What's Done Is Done

Well, I've decided to stay on at the storefront for now.  Would I have liked to sign and walk.  You bet.  But for now it's just not economically possible.  Walking away from full time/benefits and a pension is just to risky.  It doesn't mean I have to stay here forever.  I would be lying if I said I wasn't nervous that they will just find a different way to get rid of me later.  I'm sure that's they're plan.  So hopefully I can hold my own for awhile and then leave on my own terms.
I've decided that I"m not going to waste anymore tears or stress on the whole situation right now.  I have other more important things to concentrate on right now.

and speaking of that……

I have six more days of opti left.  I was surprised that I have been finding it harder now than I did in the beginning.  I mean it's great that I have the chocolate ones now.  That has made it much easier.  But I'm hungrier now than I was in the beginning.  Brett and Addy give me trouble and tell me it's because I'm not always getting in 4 shakes a day. Which is true on some days.  But like today for instance, I've had my morning shake and should be having another one in about an hour or so.  But I'm super hungry right now.  My tummy is growling.  It sucks. 

I'm starting to get a little bit nervous.  Not for the surgery part, I'm still not worried about that at all.  I'm worried about the after.  I was in a good position work wise for being able to take my time eating and really focus on it like they tell you, you have to.  But now that I will be back out in the store I won't be able to focus and I won't be able to take as much time as I might need. That makes me nervous.  But I work with some great people so hopefully they will be patient.  I will just make sure I work extra hard to make up for smaller eating breaks throughout the day.
I'm also getting nervous about hair loss, and being tired all of the time (for the first few months).  Once I lose some weight my energy should boost back up….but the unknown is frightening.
I'm also worried that I won't ever be "normal" again (not a word Suzy!!!) I don't want people to stare at me when I'm eating (I know that my close family and friends won't), but you know those casual acquaintances.  I know it's all silly things to worry about but hey…….what can I say.

Well that was unexpected!

I had my pre-op appointment on Thursday.  Everything went fine, it was very uneventful.

Friday however was something I hope I never have to experience again, but with the way things are lately I doubt this will be the last time.  I had a Friday morning meeting….the news was not good.  They eliminated the seven lead hand positions.  I hadn't quite lost my job, but I had definitely lost my position.  It felt like I got kicked in the guts.  It still does. They are "stream lining".  Kim will now be responsible for Kingston and Belleville and she will do my duties and her own.
I thought I was good at my job.  Apparently I was mistaken. Or that's how I feel.  Now I have to decide if I want to continue working there back out on a desk or if I want to take a buy out.  I'm afraid to go back on the desk.  I'm afraid I won't be able to meet the target numbers.  I see how the reps struggle, I will struggle.  I'm afraid it's only a matter of time before they phase me out. My pride is also hurt, how do I look my co-workers in the face.  Knowing that I failed.  Also I'm bitter.  So what if I can't put the hard feelings aside and all I do is go in there and "push back".  I have 6 more days to decide.  Hmmmm…maybe my fairy godmother will come and *poof* get me a new job quick as can be.

It's the small victories! Day 7 of opti

I took a chance...even though the book says after you pick up your opti they will not switch out flavours.... But I called and they will...woo hoo....I can switch that horrid vanilla for chocolate!  Only the unopened boxes so I'm stuck with a bit of vanilla, but that's ok. I can live with that.

I'm starting to get hungry. I'm not sure whether it's "mind" hunger or belly hunger but whatever it is I wish it would bugger off.

I'm going to walk on Mondays at the school. I will have to make time everyday to walk though so I think while I'm on the shakes I will walk during my lunch. It will be more leisurely but it's better than nothing.

The people at work are being awesome and very supportive. Sam cleaned out her closet on the weekend and brought me some transition clothes which I thought was super sweet. Andrew eats his lunches smothered in onions cause he knows I hate them, and Jenn and Lisa both bring stuff they know I either don't care for or they shut the door so I don't know what the're eating. They also know how much I hate the vanilla and they've been trying to help me with ways to make them taste better.

Hmmm that's it for now!

Day 2 of Optifast

Blech!

That's all I can say about that.  It took me awhile to think of what the vanilla tasted like but I've got it now.  Pablum.  Yep, baby pablum. The smell is awful.  That is what got me the worst.  I tried to go with majority rules and get 4 boxes of vanilla and 2 boxes of the chocolate.  The theory is that you can flavour the vanilla to make it taste like just about any fruity beverage that crystal light makes in a squirty thing.  You can also use extracts for flavouring…..still icky.  I only managed 2 shakes out of the 4 that I had to have. ~~sigh~~ I of course called my mother upset and she came up with a good idea.  It will have to be spread out more through the day but to do them in shots….I'm awesome at shots.  I can do that.  This morning I thought I would give the chocolate a go.  Of course I like them better, and don't have as many.  Unfortunately because it's a prescription you're not able to switch them after you've purchased them.  Someone on one of my message boards suggested I try adding some bakers coco to the vanilla.  Hey I'll try anything.  At lunch I tried one of the vanilla's again with some pineapple coconut squirty stuff….ick.  But I got it down and now I'm already doing better today than I did yesterday.   Yay me!  I've made some sugar free jello which I'm allowed to have a 1/2 a cup of each day for later.  

The one good thing.  I'm not really hungry.  Now don't get me wrong, making Zack toast with peanut butter this morning was painful….lol….but I didn't lick my fingers so I count that as a win…..

Now I think I'll go for a walk….fine I'm going to drive the 4 wheeler to the road to nowhere and then walk from there….hey baby steps.  Rome wasn't built in a day.

It all started July 2nd, 2013

I went for an orientation to learn about gastric bypass surgery.  Together with my doctor we decided that this might be just the thing for me.  I went through some basic testing, sleep apnea, an endoscopy, plus all of the normal testing.  Met with a dietitian, a social worker and a nurse practitioner. Then I waited…..and waited.  I finally got my call to meet with the surgeon in Ottawa.  January 7th I met Dr. Neville.  We went over what would be happening, what I could expect, the usual.  Then more waiting. The waiting stopped last Thursday.  I got my call.  My surgery will be May 15th.  I'm super nervous, but excited as well.
I don't think I worry about the normal things that I should be worrying about.  Most people worry about the actual surgery.  I'm not worried about that.  I'm worried about making it through the 3 week optifast shakes that I have to do to shrink my liver.  My theory on that is that if I could go 3 weeks without food, wouldn't I have tried that already??  I worry that after surgery I won't be able to get up and walk to the bathroom alone and that Brett will have to help me to the bathroom (ummmmm NO).  I worry that I will be a baby.  Brett keeps telling me that I'll be fine, I did bounce back from 2 c-sections without any issues. I worry about making Brett taking to much time off of work all because I won't drive to Ottawa myself.  I worry that I will get the poops at work. I worry that I'll be sick more often. I worry that I won't be any fun if I can't drink with my friends. I worry that I'll lose my friends.  I worry that I won't be the same person, what if I don't like me?  What if I go through this all and it doesn't work.  Then I think, but what if it does work.  What if I can go to a theme park with my kids and have as much fun as they do, instead of being the bag holder.  What if I can walk that theme park without having to take a ton of breaks to rest.  What if I can sit in a lawn chair without worrying if it will break. What if I can go to a restaurant and not worry about whether my butt will fit in the chair or not.  What if my knees stop aching.  What if I could go swimming with my friends.  What if I can go to the movie theatre and not worry about sitting a little sideways through the whole movie so I don't feel like I'm squishing the person next to me.  What if I can be in the pictures instead of just taking the pictures. What if I could stop hiding from people that I haven't seen in a long time 'cause I don't want them to see what's because of me.  What if I could go with Brett to some of his work functions and not feel like I'm embarrassing him (and no he has never said anything like that, he loves me no matter what size I am) I won't even get into all of the what if's that are to personal to share.  But know that there is a long list there as well.
Lets see what will happen…..shall we.

The Uniform

Well I knew this day would come....I try to hide from it but it always comes back to bite me in my robust ass!

Yesterday a lady looking something like this
came to fit us for our new uniforms.  A long while back we had to go get measurements taken and she was now bringing them to see how they fit.  The first thing I noticed was the fact that there wasn't a bag with my name on it.  Hmmmm.....I tried to trick myself into thinking that maybe they weren't going to make the leadhands wear uniforms....stupid girl I am sometimes.  The first person to go slipped into her uniform and well lets just say I was not impressed.  The shirt looks like something a sushi chef or maybe a karate instructor would wear.  The material was also very stiff.  I started to perspire....was I going to have to wear this???  I paced.  Then she calls me in.  "Can you try this on please"?  She hands me a white smock.  Great day to pick to wear my brand new cotton candy pink bra.....sigh.  I go into the bathroom and put it on.  It's to tight around my boobs....it makes me look heavier then I already am. I go out, she fusses around me....she tugs here...straightens there....my chest and face are on fire.  One of my co-workers is standing beside me trying to make me feel better.  It's not working.  I promised Kim I wouldn't cry in front of this women (I kept my promise, but it wasn't easy).  She says I can get it a size larger if I would like....yes please....will mine be white?  Oh no it will be the same as the others, we just didn't have a grey in your size.  They also didn't have pants or a sweater in my size.  Ummm I thought you took my measurements for that purpose...oh you didn't get mine....???? Anyway this is something what they look like.....and they tell us they are good for all body types (this is what skinny bitches say when they want fat girls to wear something out of their comfort level).

and this is on one of the average sized girls.  It's hideous.  The pants, which you can't see, aren't to bad.  That top is awful. 

Needless to say the whole thing has sent me into a tail spin.  Now you poor people who dare to come visit here will have to be subject to my whining.  TURN BACK NOW.....YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!!!

SHHHHH....don't tell anyone....I'm a fat girl.  Like no one is aware of that.  I hate being fat, yet I really enjoy food...and I'm lazy.  I work all day and the last thing I want to do when I get home is exercise.  In fact I'm so heavy now that even thinking about exercising makes me tired.  I'm also afraid.  Afraid of airplane seats that won't fit my ass and seat belts that won't go around me.  Afraid of plastic lawn chairs that might break if I sit in them.  Afraid of car rides that squish me against people 'cause I take up so much room.  Afraid of restaurant booths that I might not fit into.  Afraid of theme parks and water rides. Afraid of movie theatre seats and afraid for the person that has to sit beside me 'cause my largeness falls over into their personal space.  Afraid to eat in front of some people 'cause I know what they're thinking.  Afraid to dance because I feel like people are watching and laughing.  Afraid of clothing stores.  Afraid of halloween and themed dances....there is never a cute costume for a fat girl. Afraid of rejection because you may be disgusted by me.  Afraid of hugs, it's hard to get your arms around me.  Afraid I'll embarrass my friends.  Afraid I'll embarrass my husband.  Afraid I'll embarrass my kids.  Being afraid sucks. I've missed out on so much and will miss out on so much more.  I really didn't want to resort to any sort of surgery but I'm not sure I have any other options.  But again.....I'm afraid.

New Years Resolutions

....do you make them?  I usually try to, but most of the time by the end of January I've forgotten what the resolution was.  This year I think I'll just make one goal.  My goal this year is to become a better spender.  I would say that I'm going to try and spend less, however I love to spend money.  I work everyday and therefore I think I should be able to spend some of that money.  I do need to learn to spend more wisely.  I don't really need to go to shoppers for example and waste money on magazines...with the Internet anything that I think I need to know I should be able to find online.  Make up is another thing I spend to much money on.  I love it, and yet I wear very little of it.  I have very red skin so I wear a foundation/powder to try and even things out and eyeliner are my staples.  When I go out I like to wear some shadow and mascara yet if you ever took a peek in my room you would find tons of lipstick, eye shadows, and different liners.  More then one person could every use and did you know that make up has a shelf life....yeah it does so half of the stuff I have I probably shouldn't be using.  I also have issues with office supplies.  I LOVE them.  So this year I'm going to try and only buy new office stuff if I'm out of something...no Dawn you do not need anymore post it notes, even if they are a super cute colour.  Push pins...well I have boxes in my desk drawer that I haven't even opened yet....and don't even get me started on highlighters.....So that's it for me...spend more wisely.  Sorry Addy this means no more $5 t-shirts from stitches until you grow out of some of the 30 you already have.  I will be pickier about my purchases.
I also have a couple of personal resolutions but I don't think I'll share them....yet.
So did you make any?  Do you think you'll keep them?  Fingers crossed for all of us.