Expectation versus Reality

Expectation: I thought I would bounce back quickly.
Reality: I did not.

Expectation: weight dropping off quickly.
Reality: it is not.

Expectation: My energy levels would sky rocket.
Reality: it hasn't.....at least not yet.

Expectation: I would still be the same old person.
Reality: I am not.

What Now??

So now what happens.  I keep plugging away.  I'm getting much braver which is a good thing.  But I still don't feel like eating.  I have to force it.  Things taste fine, but I just don't care to eat.  Go figure....a girl who use to be able to eat even when she wasn't hungry now doesn't want to eat....EVER. I go back to work next Thursday.  I'll be fine, tired but fine.  I have enough foods that I can safely eat at work and in a timely manner. I eat a lot of cold stuff.  Trying to eat a warm meal is tricky.  It takes me so long that my meal is cold by the time I finish.

The next big problem is people "looking" at me.  Not my close friends and family.  But people who know I've had the surgery and they are trying to see if they can tell if I've lost weight.  I could be projecting my own feelings onto them, but sometimes I don't think so.  They look me up and down and I can feel their disappointment that I haven't lost more.  I feel the disappointment every time I step on the scale or look in the mirror.  I'm at 44lbs and can't understand why I'm not losing more quickly.  I'm walking, eating very little.....so WTF.  The only thing I can think of is that I'm still not getting all of the protein I need and sometimes I forget to take all of my pills.  So maybe that's hurting me.  Who knows.  People say that what I've done is taking the easy way out.....well let me tell you....so far there is nothing easy about it.

This weekend we are going to a dance.  I'm a little nervous.  I know everyone will be checking to see what's happening with the fat girl....and they will look at me with disappointment....and because I can't drink I'll have to pretend not to notice. ~sigh~

On a different note.  The room for the kids is almost complete.  I'm so excited.  I hope they enjoy it.  If they don't I'm taking it over 'cause I love it.

I'm Fine!

.....or am I???

This Thursday will mark 1 month post op.  I want to be fine.  I'm trying to be fine...but I'm not sure it's working for me.  Every day is a new start, and I try to tell myself "today's the day I'll do better".  Then before I know it, it's noon and I haven't eaten my breakfast yet and I forgot to take my multi vitamin.  So I down the vitamin (which is better, but still totally gross), and then I try to think of what I can have for brunch.  I'm sick to death of yogurt, but it's the one thing that I know for sure doesn't do anything weird to me and it's got lots of protein. So for now it's my fall back. To top it all off the scale hasn't moved in 3 days and that just pisses me off.  "The book" says that if I don't eat I will experience stalls in weight loss because my body is afraid of starvation so it's hanging on to what little I'm giving it.  Stupid body.  I'm tired, I'm grumpy, I'm whiny....yeah yeah smart asses that are thinking "well that's nothing new".  The one thing I said to Brett that I was afraid of was being sick all of the time.  I'm not sick, but I'm not myself.  I don't want this to be my new self.  I don't like her at all.  I'm trying very hard to keep looking at the big picture but right now that's hard.  I'm just trying to get through each day without beating myself up about what I haven't managed to do. ~Sigh~ If the scale was still moving at least I would have that as a success.  So again I will try to get in at least three meals and make sure I get in all of my vitamins. I go see the doctor on Thursday to determine if I'm ready to go back to work.  That scares me.  On one hand I just want to move forward.....but on the other hand with the way I'm feeling and how exhausted I am I'm not sure it's in my best interested.  Just trying to make sure I don't dehydrate is almost a full time job.  I knew it wasn't going to be easy, but I never imagined it would be this hard or frustrating.  I wouldn't let myself read some of the things on line, cause I didn't want to get scared.  I've read some of those things now and yep you guessed it, I'm scared.  People who are a few years out and they're having blockage issues, or still can't tolerate food.  Some days I think I'm being punished for choosing surgery instead of doing it the old fashioned way.  All I wanted is to be normal.  I think that might be a little to far out of reach.

Just over a week!

Welcome to the freak show!

Yes, that's kinda how I feel......lol.  I did this to be "normal" and I'm anything but.  It takes me forever to eat....drinking is no better.  Everyone has questions, which I'm totally fine with, but I don't want people to think that's all we can talk about.  I don't want people to have to worry about me.  I know that this will all change, but right now that seems so far off.  Patience.....I know patience....I don't think that's one of my finer traits though. 

My one week follow up went well. Wounds are healing nicely, she answered the questions I had.  All is good.

I'm moving around pretty good now as well.  Going to start walking this week. Need to get this body moving.  I'm considering looking into some sort of class or something (I have to wait at least 6 weeks before I get into anything to strenuous).  There is a young woman in Battersea who runs some 4-8 week programs that I've been looking into but I'm worried about cost.  I also was contacted by another friend who recently became a personal trainer, but I'm not sure I want someone who I know well being my trainer.  I'm also worried I won't be able to keep up.  I have never been the most athletic person, even in my younger years when I was a fairly normal weight. You might even say I'm a wee bit clumsy.  It will make for a hilarious work out but it's not something I'm sure I want to share with the world...lol.  The most you might get from me is a shabam class with my family...and I will be wearing depends for that because I'm sure if I don't I might pee my pants.

Surgery

Getting Ready To Go:
Brett and I decided to leave for Ottawa the night before surgery.  This way we wouldn't have to worry about traffic or anything.  I think it was a good idea.  We were both a little wired and this would just be less stressful.  RoSanne met us at the hotel and we just sat around and talked for a bit.  The kids were going to stay at home for the first time alone.  I was a little worried, but knew they could do it.
Surgery Day:
We got to the hospital in plenty of time.  The took me into a pre-op room and got me all settled for a bit.  Brett got to sit in there with me while we waiting.  My surgery was scheduled for 10:25.  They whisked me away from Brett around 9:30ish. We said our I love you's and then he was gone.  They left me in a hall way on a stretcher waiting for the OR to get prepped.  The anesthesiologist was a very nice man, with a kind voice.  When it was time to go in the wheeled me in so far then I got up and got onto the operating table.  This was where I started to get nervous.  But the man with the kind voice, walked me through it, helped me concentrate on my breathing and before I knew it I was out like a light.
I woke up sometime later (I couldn't find a clock) and felt very groggy.  The more I tried to keep my eyes open, the more they wanted to close.  There was a nurse that kept coming over and asking me to rate my pain on a scale of 1-10.  I just kept rating it a 5.  I felt like I was there forever.  Turns out I was.  They didn't have a room for me.  My surgery was over at about 11:30 and I didn't get a room until 5:30.  Thank goodness RoSanne was there with Brett or it would have been a long stressful wait for him.  I kept asking the nurses if my husband knew what the hold up was.  They told me yes.  I guess they didn't until almost 5:00.  Good thing my mother wasn't there.....at least they would've known what was going on.
They finally wheeled me to the door of my room.  This is where they started making me walk.  I thought this was cruel and unusual punishment, but I managed it.  After they got me settled in I got to see Brett and RoSanne. I was however not very good company.  We tried to talk but I was so tired again that I couldn't keep my eyes open.  I think they stayed until 7:00 but really lost all track of time. 
The night was uneventful.
Day 2
I woke up the next morning, managed to get to the bathroom alone.  Was only taking a few meds and managing to sip water like I was supposed to. Brett and RoSanne came to visit for the morning and they left about noonish for lunch and RoSanne had to go to work. The nurses encouraged us (me and the other patients in my room) to get up and walk.  I walked to the shower.  Stupid Bryan (yes they put boys and girls in the same room, I didn't know this) who shared my room was up practically running marathons and farting up a storm, something else I wasn't able to do. I wanted to put a pillow over his face.....I refrained.  Things were pretty uneventful.  
Day 3:
I did however wake up at about 3:00 in the morning and felt a bit icky.  I went to the bathroom and it seemed to take me a lot longer to walk there. By the time I got back to my bed I was very out of breath.  I laid there for a bit and waited for the feeling to pass.  I thought maybe I had gas so I stood back up and just kind of paced around. I mentioned to the nurse that I didn't feel so great but she was just covering for my night nurse while she was on break.  She told me not to worry about it and that she would send my nurse when her break was over.   When my nurse came in she gave me some meds.  I couldn't fall back to sleep.  At 5:00 I texted Brett and told him I thought something might be wrong.  He snuck in to see me at 6:00 to check and see if I was ok.  I said that I would know more later when the day nurse came back in.  I sent him back for some more sleep and breakfast.
At 8:00 I remembering standing to go to the bathroom and I never made it.  I woke up sprawled across my bed, one slipper on one slipper off...and I have no idea if my lady bits were hanging out, my head wedged underneath the bedside table.  Not sure if I fainted or what.  I told the nurse what happened and she ordered blood work right away.  Oh no...today is the day I get to go home.  The blood work showed that my hemoglobin's were down.  Didn't mean I couldn't go home, just meant it might be later in the day.  Stupid Bryan was leaving right then.  Jerk.
At 10:30 I couldn't wait anymore I needed to pee. So Sara (my awesome nurse) and Brett stood with me while I tried to stand up.  It didn't work.  I passed out again.  Sara pulled the plug on all hopes of me going home.  My husband was thrilled, he didn't want to take me home in the shape I was in.  He wanted me surrounded by people who could fix me if something went wrong.  I don't blame him....I would've wanted the same for him.  The biggest reason I was upset about not going home is that it made me doubt my decision about the surgery.  What had I done to myself? Had I made a big mistake?  My hemoglobin's went down 2 more times.  It looks like I had a small bleed.  I would have to go for a CT scan.  They put me back on an IV because I had become dehydrated.  I felt poopy.  After 3 IV bags I started to come around.  I managed to get up without falling down.  I could use the bathroom again, I was just slow.  The CT scan was at 10:00.  It was yucky, the stuff they make you drink is horrible. ( I need to mention here that Renee was a godsend during all of the blood work results and all of the testing, I would text here with updates and she would assure me that this was great news that they were checking all of the things they should be. She would explain anything that I didn't understand.  It was wonderful and I can't thank her enough)
Day 4
I woke up feeling fine.  Almost good.  I could walk.  I could drink.  Now I just had to wait and see what the doctor said.  He finally came in a around 10:00.  I had definitely had a small bleed but it was so small that it was already fixing it's self and the bleeding had stopped.  My hemoglobin's were up and YAY I could go home.  The difference in the way I felt from one day to the next was almost crazy.  I showered and we were off for home.  The drive was fine.  we stopped and saw everyone at my mom's for just a few minutes.  Then I went home and slept.  
Home:
My kids did awesome.  They stayed the entire time alone and took care of the house and dog for me. 
I am very happy to be home.  The first day and a bit I had "at home jitters".....worried I would do something wrong.  I'm much more comfortable now, not quite as worried.  I only worry now that I'm not getting in all of the vitamins I need and I'm not really eating.  I just don't feel like it.  Getting in and out of bed is still hard, and I walk pretty slow still.  But I'm doing good.  I'm down 17lbs so far.  They tell me not to use the scale much yet because it may start slow and then speed up once I get used to a new routine.  

Thank you to my husband for being so patient and understanding.  He did so awesome and is still doing so great.
Thank you to my kids who proved to me that they can take care of themselves and me.  I just don't make them do it.  They did so well, and are helping me at home with anything I ask of them.
Thank you to my mom, who drops everything for me.  Who babies me even when I resist sometimes.  Who forgives me when I get a little snarky with her.  
Thank you to RoSanne for arranging to work in Ottawa so she could sit with Brett during the surgery and visit me.
Thank you to Julie and Suzy for listening to me for the whole lead up.  For cheering me on. For continuing to support me.  
Thank you to Renee who was my own on call nurse even if she wasn't supposed to be working the long weekend.
To all of the above for knowing that I can do this even If I'm not always sure I can.  I love you all so much.
Thank you to the rest of my support system and you know who you are.....I can name each and everyone of you but I'm pretty sure this blog is getting a little long and wordy. If you've ever been to a Sunday Funday or any other event at Grandma Jo's know that I feel you're included as part of my "cheering section".  I couldn't do it without any of you.

P.S. to those of you who know my fear of passing gas....well I managed and it was just as funny as we thought it would be.

What's Done Is Done

Well, I've decided to stay on at the storefront for now.  Would I have liked to sign and walk.  You bet.  But for now it's just not economically possible.  Walking away from full time/benefits and a pension is just to risky.  It doesn't mean I have to stay here forever.  I would be lying if I said I wasn't nervous that they will just find a different way to get rid of me later.  I'm sure that's they're plan.  So hopefully I can hold my own for awhile and then leave on my own terms.
I've decided that I"m not going to waste anymore tears or stress on the whole situation right now.  I have other more important things to concentrate on right now.

and speaking of that……

I have six more days of opti left.  I was surprised that I have been finding it harder now than I did in the beginning.  I mean it's great that I have the chocolate ones now.  That has made it much easier.  But I'm hungrier now than I was in the beginning.  Brett and Addy give me trouble and tell me it's because I'm not always getting in 4 shakes a day. Which is true on some days.  But like today for instance, I've had my morning shake and should be having another one in about an hour or so.  But I'm super hungry right now.  My tummy is growling.  It sucks. 

I'm starting to get a little bit nervous.  Not for the surgery part, I'm still not worried about that at all.  I'm worried about the after.  I was in a good position work wise for being able to take my time eating and really focus on it like they tell you, you have to.  But now that I will be back out in the store I won't be able to focus and I won't be able to take as much time as I might need. That makes me nervous.  But I work with some great people so hopefully they will be patient.  I will just make sure I work extra hard to make up for smaller eating breaks throughout the day.
I'm also getting nervous about hair loss, and being tired all of the time (for the first few months).  Once I lose some weight my energy should boost back up….but the unknown is frightening.
I'm also worried that I won't ever be "normal" again (not a word Suzy!!!) I don't want people to stare at me when I'm eating (I know that my close family and friends won't), but you know those casual acquaintances.  I know it's all silly things to worry about but hey…….what can I say.

Well that was unexpected!

I had my pre-op appointment on Thursday.  Everything went fine, it was very uneventful.

Friday however was something I hope I never have to experience again, but with the way things are lately I doubt this will be the last time.  I had a Friday morning meeting….the news was not good.  They eliminated the seven lead hand positions.  I hadn't quite lost my job, but I had definitely lost my position.  It felt like I got kicked in the guts.  It still does. They are "stream lining".  Kim will now be responsible for Kingston and Belleville and she will do my duties and her own.
I thought I was good at my job.  Apparently I was mistaken. Or that's how I feel.  Now I have to decide if I want to continue working there back out on a desk or if I want to take a buy out.  I'm afraid to go back on the desk.  I'm afraid I won't be able to meet the target numbers.  I see how the reps struggle, I will struggle.  I'm afraid it's only a matter of time before they phase me out. My pride is also hurt, how do I look my co-workers in the face.  Knowing that I failed.  Also I'm bitter.  So what if I can't put the hard feelings aside and all I do is go in there and "push back".  I have 6 more days to decide.  Hmmmm…maybe my fairy godmother will come and *poof* get me a new job quick as can be.

It's the small victories! Day 7 of opti

I took a chance...even though the book says after you pick up your opti they will not switch out flavours.... But I called and they will...woo hoo....I can switch that horrid vanilla for chocolate!  Only the unopened boxes so I'm stuck with a bit of vanilla, but that's ok. I can live with that.

I'm starting to get hungry. I'm not sure whether it's "mind" hunger or belly hunger but whatever it is I wish it would bugger off.

I'm going to walk on Mondays at the school. I will have to make time everyday to walk though so I think while I'm on the shakes I will walk during my lunch. It will be more leisurely but it's better than nothing.

The people at work are being awesome and very supportive. Sam cleaned out her closet on the weekend and brought me some transition clothes which I thought was super sweet. Andrew eats his lunches smothered in onions cause he knows I hate them, and Jenn and Lisa both bring stuff they know I either don't care for or they shut the door so I don't know what the're eating. They also know how much I hate the vanilla and they've been trying to help me with ways to make them taste better.

Hmmm that's it for now!

Day 2 of Optifast

Blech!

That's all I can say about that.  It took me awhile to think of what the vanilla tasted like but I've got it now.  Pablum.  Yep, baby pablum. The smell is awful.  That is what got me the worst.  I tried to go with majority rules and get 4 boxes of vanilla and 2 boxes of the chocolate.  The theory is that you can flavour the vanilla to make it taste like just about any fruity beverage that crystal light makes in a squirty thing.  You can also use extracts for flavouring…..still icky.  I only managed 2 shakes out of the 4 that I had to have. ~~sigh~~ I of course called my mother upset and she came up with a good idea.  It will have to be spread out more through the day but to do them in shots….I'm awesome at shots.  I can do that.  This morning I thought I would give the chocolate a go.  Of course I like them better, and don't have as many.  Unfortunately because it's a prescription you're not able to switch them after you've purchased them.  Someone on one of my message boards suggested I try adding some bakers coco to the vanilla.  Hey I'll try anything.  At lunch I tried one of the vanilla's again with some pineapple coconut squirty stuff….ick.  But I got it down and now I'm already doing better today than I did yesterday.   Yay me!  I've made some sugar free jello which I'm allowed to have a 1/2 a cup of each day for later.  

The one good thing.  I'm not really hungry.  Now don't get me wrong, making Zack toast with peanut butter this morning was painful….lol….but I didn't lick my fingers so I count that as a win…..

Now I think I'll go for a walk….fine I'm going to drive the 4 wheeler to the road to nowhere and then walk from there….hey baby steps.  Rome wasn't built in a day.

It all started July 2nd, 2013

I went for an orientation to learn about gastric bypass surgery.  Together with my doctor we decided that this might be just the thing for me.  I went through some basic testing, sleep apnea, an endoscopy, plus all of the normal testing.  Met with a dietitian, a social worker and a nurse practitioner. Then I waited…..and waited.  I finally got my call to meet with the surgeon in Ottawa.  January 7th I met Dr. Neville.  We went over what would be happening, what I could expect, the usual.  Then more waiting. The waiting stopped last Thursday.  I got my call.  My surgery will be May 15th.  I'm super nervous, but excited as well.
I don't think I worry about the normal things that I should be worrying about.  Most people worry about the actual surgery.  I'm not worried about that.  I'm worried about making it through the 3 week optifast shakes that I have to do to shrink my liver.  My theory on that is that if I could go 3 weeks without food, wouldn't I have tried that already??  I worry that after surgery I won't be able to get up and walk to the bathroom alone and that Brett will have to help me to the bathroom (ummmmm NO).  I worry that I will be a baby.  Brett keeps telling me that I'll be fine, I did bounce back from 2 c-sections without any issues. I worry about making Brett taking to much time off of work all because I won't drive to Ottawa myself.  I worry that I will get the poops at work. I worry that I'll be sick more often. I worry that I won't be any fun if I can't drink with my friends. I worry that I'll lose my friends.  I worry that I won't be the same person, what if I don't like me?  What if I go through this all and it doesn't work.  Then I think, but what if it does work.  What if I can go to a theme park with my kids and have as much fun as they do, instead of being the bag holder.  What if I can walk that theme park without having to take a ton of breaks to rest.  What if I can sit in a lawn chair without worrying if it will break. What if I can go to a restaurant and not worry about whether my butt will fit in the chair or not.  What if my knees stop aching.  What if I could go swimming with my friends.  What if I can go to the movie theatre and not worry about sitting a little sideways through the whole movie so I don't feel like I'm squishing the person next to me.  What if I can be in the pictures instead of just taking the pictures. What if I could stop hiding from people that I haven't seen in a long time 'cause I don't want them to see what's because of me.  What if I could go with Brett to some of his work functions and not feel like I'm embarrassing him (and no he has never said anything like that, he loves me no matter what size I am) I won't even get into all of the what if's that are to personal to share.  But know that there is a long list there as well.
Lets see what will happen…..shall we.