Essential or not....how do you decide.

COVID-19 

and other smurfy adventures.

Essential and non essential.  Two words we hear multiple times every day.  Essential workers....non essential workers.  Essential purchasing, non essential purchasing.  Essential travel, non essential travel...you get the picture.

As I always state when I write, this is my opinion and my point of view only.  Some of what you might read will upset you and you'll want to comment.  You have every right to do so, because we all have different opinions and points of view.  I respect yours, even if I don't agree with it.  

First let me start by saying that social media is both a blessing and a curse.  It lets you keep in touch with those you can't be with.  I've found some really cool facebook groups.  I'm addicted to TikTok. And of course there is always the old standby's.  The curse however is that everyone gets to judge everyone else without knowing all of the facts.  People are casting stones, and most times it's not even in an intelligent manner.  Just being pissy and nasty.  In such a scary time I sometimes have to stay away from certain posts because, lets face it...I'm a huge baby.  That being said sometimes what I read also infuriates me.  I think how can someone be so one sided.  How can people be so sure of something, when right now I'm not sure of anything.  I'm scared shitless.  I'm afraid this will be the new "normal".  That social distancing will be the new way of life.  Much to some of my friends and families dismay, I am a very touchy feely person.  I find great comfort in a hug from a friend, a pat on the shoulder, a firm handshake. I want that again.

Here at the smurf house we are dealing with things the best we can.  I'm still considered an essential employee (~~rolls eyes~~ like everyone didn't already know that).  I'm lucky enough that I work with a great team and we all want to look out for each other and keep each other safe.  We stagger our shifts, taking turns working at home.  We wash.... our hands, disinfect everything we touch...the list goes on and on....and we can only hope we're doing enough.  I loved my job and work family before, this makes it even stronger.

Because I'm the essential employee, this means I have to travel to and from work.  So therefore it only makes sense that I be the one to do the essential shopping as well.  Brett, my mom and Jack haven't been to Kingston since...gosh I think it's almost a month now.  I did have to let my mom out once.  I let her do the seniors day at Glenburnie Grocery. If you ever get to stop by for a drink again, ask her about it.  Lets just say I will be the only one shopping for quite sometime.  Brett has went as far as Inverary for gas and beer (don't even try to tell me beer is not essential).  Jack has been no where.  

The first couple of times I had to shop weren't so bad.  I made sure I had a list.  I went in kept my head down and zoomed through quite quickly.  Then once they started to close everything down and create lines, rules, and such....well then it started to get a little scary.  I never thought going to Loblaws would put fear into the pit of my stomach.  We, however are a family of six.  So a trip to the grocery store is essential at least once a week.  We are trying not to hoarde, trying to only buy what's needed but that means I'm probably going to have to go again next week.  That being said, who decides what is essential and for whom?  Why do I see people on here picking at someone because they bought ice cream.  Surely you can live without ice cream.  Or someone else saying "I saw a lady at the grocery store who had a shrimp ring in her cart, who NEEDS a shrimp ring"?  Why if you're at the grocery store and you're following all of the rules.  Keeping your distance, not wandering around.  Why can't you have a few things in your cart that may not be essential for living but maybe essential for your mental well being.  I Dawn Cashman bought both a shrimp ring and a farmers market coffee cake.  I did not have to shop for them.  I know exactly where both of those things are located in Loblaws.  They were not on my list of essentials. Let the first stone be cast.

I haven't been able to hug my son in over a month...I think it's actually been longer and if I had of know this was all going to happen you can bet I would've held on to him longer.  Zack doesn't live at home with me, and he's still considered an essential worker so far.  He goes to work every day, never complains and tries really hard to be safe.  He lets me call him, text him and facetime him as much as I like (I try not to abuse this!! lol).  His lease is up in May, he does not want to move back to the country...but it almost came to that because as you can imagine trying to rent anything right now is almost impossible.  They had to rent something sight unseen, done by virtual tour.  This wouldn't fly for most people but if you knew my kid you'd know it takes a lot to get any sort of rise out of Zack.  One of my big concerns was what were people going to think if I moved him in with us.  We were now letting someone else move in and we weren't social distancing from him anymore....my son....I was worrying about what people were going to think if I moved my first born baby back home with me so he wouldn't be homeless....it took me about 3 minutes to get my head out of my ass and know that if I moved my son back home with us, that we as a family would do whatever if took to make sure it was done as safely as possible.  Lucky for Zack this didn't happen...he has a place for May....not so lucky for me.  I would've been ok with him moving back home. Meh...maybe next year. 

My second born baby is an RPN, she has worked 13 days in a row.  She's handling this like a pro. I couldn't be prouder....of both of my children and they way they are handling COVID.

***Found this is my draft and thought it was an interesting look back. Maybe not for you, but for me. 😜 Post was from April 2020

Really....

I never wrote in length about Brett's cancer.  It was too scary.  Everyone who knows us, knows that we are a team.  That Brett takes care of me (of us, he's an excellent father).  He's  not only my husband...he's my protector, my cheerleader, my team mate. No we aren't perfect, yes we argue, fight and say nasty things to each other.....but we would fight tooth and nail for each other. So when we got the news, after I assured him everything would be fine...it knocked the wind from my sails.  For a week I couldn't even absorb what had been said to us.  I'm not sure if everyone is the same but I imagine everyone goes through stages.  Now if this post seems very one sided....well it is.  I can only speak for how I felt, how I handled it, how I'm still  handling it. So this isn't a poor poor me post, trust me I've done enough of that all on my own.  Writing for me is cathartic. It lets me get rid of some of the crazy inside my head.  Some of it I share here, some of it I write in a journal just for me. Anyway....got off track there.  Brett went off on sick leave when he found out.  This was strange to me only because I don't think I could do that.  Far to much time would be spent in my head and that's a scary fucking thought.  But it's what he needed to do and I supported it.  We met with a great surgeon.  It's part of the reason we decided on the treatment we did.  This guy knew his stuff.  He was very confident that he could help Brett and that the treatment would be successful.  Brett had surgery last September and it went incredibly well.  There were a few speed bumps and I cried a lot...but nothing we couldn't handle (just because I cry doesn't mean I can't handle it, lets get that straight). So it's been a year and we can say Brett is cancer free, he has to be checked regularly but that's ok.  Small price to pay.  
Now lets remember that this is after our family had gone through Myrna's breast cancer....another true survivor.  That woman is a warrior in every sense of the word.  She did surgery, radiation, chemo....she did it all and never once complained about it.  If she ever felt sorry for herself she never let us see it.  If she ever felt defeated...again...we didn't know it.  Her going through what she did like such a bad ass gave me the hope that Brett would do the same....he did.

Neuroendocrine tumor.....this word I was introduced to on August 25th, 2019.  My Aunt Suzy (you know my best friend, and partner in crime) had to tell me that she was going in for an operation as she had a very rare type of cancerous tumor.  It's so rare that we're waiting for them to figure out how they're going to handle it (yep, I cried when she told me, but only for a second).  This woman has had every test known to man kind and few they made up I think.  She is baffling them.  It doesn't look like it's spread anywhere (great news), but they're going to take out her lymph nodes just in case (well ok...but why didn't you just take them the first time????) One minute they tell her if "this particular test" comes back clear you won't have to do anything else....oh but wait...better do this other test just to be sure.  And hey, I'm all for ruling everything out but I would think that when you're the one it's happening to it must be terrifying.  I know I'm terrified and again it's not happening to me. **side note....I indeed ask permission from Suzy before I posted anything about her online.  She ok'd it!!**

Today I'm at work, and I get the text from my mom (she had taken Jack to the doctor) "we're home"....I say "and....." she texts me something and I say I'm gonna call.  She tries to soften things for me (cause I'm a fucking baby).  There's concerning news but not devastating she says.....Jack has colon cancer (my mind automatically screams ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME!!!!).  But I didn't say that. I think I just said "for fuck sakes" but not loudly or aggressively....points for me! I also didn't cry (at least not while I was on the phone with her....when I told Brett...well that's none of your business...lol).  So now here we are again.  Waiting on doctors...for tests...then test results...then waiting for what the plan of action will be.  

That is one thing I have learned.  There is lots of waiting when it comes to the big "C".  Another thing I've learned is that even though I cry (I know, I know A LOT) it doesn't mean I'm weak or can't handle things.  Crying lets me get rid of the anguish and move forward.  Crying lets me wash some of the grief away and think more clearly in hopes that I can be more a help then a hindrance to the people I love.  Yes, sometimes my thoughts go straight to, how can this keep happening to all of the important people in my life....why me...why us....poor poor girl....and then I try to get my head out of my ass and figure out how I can give these people I care about some of my strength.  How can I make sure they know they can lean on me, they can call on me whenever they need to. I can do this by listening to them, by talking if they want to talk, remaining silent if that's what they need.  Never shying away from the tough talks, and never making them feel likes their fears, wants or needs are silly or unjustified.

The most important thing I've learned is that life is short and you never know what each day holds.  After Brett's scare we came to a decision to sell Brett's beloved cottage (yes I love the cottage as well my heart is breaking, but not like he does).  So when you ask us "Why on earth would you ever sell this place, it's beautiful.....don't think we don't ask ourselves that every day...and doubt the decision we've made everyday. Part of the reason is because I'm horrible with money and the taxes back there are drowning us.  If anything were to happen to Brett, I wouldn't be able to stay there.  There is far to much upkeep.  We couldn't leave it to the kids, again the financial burden would be far to great.  We are still fairly young and are now in fairly good health.  We want to enjoy each other and our families. We want to worry less about how we're going to make ends meet and focus more on the adventures that await us.  Will we miss the lake and the cottage...... There is no question in my mind that we will miss it, and I will cry....a lot when we leave....hell I've started crying already (Brett likes to remind me that I cried when we disconnected our land line because we had, had the same number since 1995 when we got married).  So if you see me and I look like I'm close to tears or have been crying....I have...I'll be fine....no there's nothing you can do for me (well presents are always nice..jk). There are many, many lakes all with cottages that could be rented.  We will be able to enjoy those just as much.  Maybe we will buy another cottage someday.  Maybe we'll stay right in the village and become the crazy old couple in the smurfy blue house who love having beers in the barn and munchies at the manor. Or maybe we'll run away and join circus....the possibilities are endless.  Just you wait to see what we do!

Mom and Jack - This is it!!

This Sunday, June 23rd will be the last "Sunday Funday" at 5336 Ramparts Lane.  When Mom and Jack first told me they had a buyer for their house I went home and cried.  Then they were so excited about their new adventure that I totally got on board.  Then this week I decided that I would try to put together a few pictures (because that's what I do)....The trip down memory lane was beautiful.  So much has happened since they moved in there. I put together a slide show and then tried to watch it.....I cried....I know, I know...I cry at everything.  I found so many pictures.  I haven't even searched the really old ones.  This was just what I found on facebook, my phone, and a couple of online albums I have. 

So to my mom and Jack.

Thank you.  Thank you for creating wonderful memories for me and my children.  Thank you for welcoming Brett's family, our friends, and my kids friends all into your home and your hearts.  Thank you for never making me feel like it wasn't just as much my home as it was yours.  Thank you Jack for indulging pretty much my every whim when it came to mom, Brett and I making plans that you then had to figure out how we were going to accomplish it all.  Thank you mom for missing out on a lot of what was going on because you were constantly trying to make sure everyone was fed, everyone had a drink, and that everyone was having a good time. All the while Brett and I got to strut around with not a care in the world and enjoy the company. I will never be able to thank the two of you enough for creating such a warm caring environment for us.  I can honestly say that I don't think there was ever one person that came to your home and didn't immediately feel welcome.  What a wonderful gift you both have.  I love you both very much.  I can't wait to see what this next journey brings for you.

I don't think the village is ready for us.  Let's give them something to talk about shall we!?! 

*** side note, this video is over 9 minutes long....I could've probably made it 9 hours long.  As I said this was just a small amount of the pictures that I have.  I wish I had started going through them sooner. This slide show isn't for everyone....only those who are bored and don't have anything better to do....and it's for my mom...cause she should see what all of her hard work created!!





you have to copy and paste the link, cause I couldn't get it to embed. Stupid thing. 

http://web.photodex.com/view/kp7b77x4

My Fit Bit is a Bitch!

Decided to celebrate my 5 year anniversary by purchasing myself a fitbit.  Big mistake.....HUGE.  She is a nasty little thing.  She whines more then I do.  She's always telling me to "feed" her more steps...nice choice of words Estelle (that's what I've named her, I have no idea why). Estelle likes to make a big commotion if I haven't moved my ass in awhile.  She likes to make sure I take at least 250 steps every hour.  I have a desk job.  Sometimes I don't even realize I've sat for an hour.  So now when she starts yelling (vibrating) at me, I get up and walk to the back of our shop and back a couple of times.  Sometimes that gets boring so I walk out the back door and in the front or the other way around.  I'm sure if anyone in the neighbouring buildings sees me the wonder what on earth the crazy girl at FPS is doing?? Meh! C'est la vie. I will give credit where credit is due however.  Estelle has made me move more....and that could be just what I needed.
Estelle also likes to guilt me into walking at lunch.  This isn't so bad except that there are wild animals in my pathway.  The kind that attack.  So I can't walk the lovely sidewalked (I know not a word) path....I have to walk the other direction on the side of the road or in the grass and garbage (stop littering effers!!!).  I hate geese! 

**side note:  after my last blog post that I shared openly on FB I received quite a few comments and messages.  Thank you all.  As I've said before....being extra means I also share far to much.  Not thinking about consequences and whether I might offend or hurt someones feelings.  Know that, this is never my intention.  I find blogging a little therapeutic.  In fact I went back and reread everything.  Some of it was a little hard to read.  Some was funny and some I had totally forgotten about.  Be prepared....things could get freaky!! Bahahahahaha.

Who's that girl?!? My 5 year Anniversary

Today, May 15 2019 is the anniversary of my gastric bypass surgery.  Sometimes I feel like it's zipped by and others it feels like a lifetime ago.  On July 2 2013 after many, many attempts to lose weight I decided along with my doctor that I would take the big step and have gastric bypass surgery.  The decision was not made lightly and I talked to Brett, my family and friends before I decided what to go that route.  The process took almost a year. Everyone had opinions, this is a good thing.  Some of them were positive, some not so much.  But that's the great thing about getting to express your opinion.  It made me do my research.  It made me learn everything I could about how things were going to change.  Was I up to those changes.  Could I make the lifestyle choices that I needed to.....the answer is NO.  LOL....don't get me wrong.  I try very hard.  I have an addictive personality.  As you've heard my daughter say...I'm extra.  This means everything I do....I over do.  The good and the bad, much to the dismay or delight of everyone who's lives I touch.  

So today as I sit here and reflect....the bad

• Too much extra skin hanging from my body
• My incredibly thin hair due to it continuously falling out (but hey I only have to get my hair cut once a year).
•  A morning mixture of 7 vitamins and 2 prescription pills to keep me healthy...as well as 4 more vitamins throughout the day.
• The effects when I don't keep up with the pills like I'm supposed to. 
• The never knowing how food will effect me.  So far I've been incredibly lucky.  The worst things that have happened (fingers crossed it's all that will happen) is I get really tired, or it can feel like I have food stuck and I have to lay flat to make the ache go away. 
• The anxiety and dare I say depression (shhhhhh we don't talk about that).....I have now is my biggest hurdle.  Because I feel like I missed so much I sometimes want to try and do everything.  But I'm afraid to try.  I'm afraid of failure, of not being accepted.  Afraid of disappointing the people I care about. Self loathing and low self confidence can be a real bitch.  But I'm working on that!! 
• I developed a crazy alter-ego when I drink. She's bat shit crazy....I kinda like her...if she'd just let me remember things a little better, I'd love her.  My family isn't really crazy about her.

When I was heavier I had a bubble that I lived in.  I wouldn't meet Brett's work friends, or heaven forbid I have to attend a school event with the kids.  What if I embarrassed Brett, what if the kids got teased because their mom was fat (it happened....it was horrible). My friends and family kept me safe.  If I had to go somewhere that I really didn't want to someone would come with me to help me get through it.  My family and friends were my protectors.  They still are.

But now for the good:

•  I lost over 172lbs!  Have I gained any back. Yes!! No I won't tell you how much.  ....that's part of the reason I'm typing this.  As a five year gift to myself I'm going to attempt to get back on track.  Because I have an addictive personality it's a slippery slope.  I need to be more aware of what I'm doing to myself. 
•  I went on trip to Florida with my family and had the time of my life.  I para-sailed with my daughter.  The look on her face meant everything to me.
•  I got to buy a pair of silver jeans....and I get to wear dresses now....even with the saggy skin.  It's the one thing I allow myself to do and I try not to stress about the looks.
•  I went ice skating with my kids.
•  I can get in and out of the boat with the reflexes of cat...bahahahahaha....fine I'm still as clumsy as ever but I CAN get in and out of the boat.  In fact the boat is now my favorite place to be.
•  I took a chance and went for a job interview for an ad I saw on facebook.  I knew nothing about the field of work, I'm still learning.  They took a chance on me.  I'm still here.  They are now family.
•  When I was heavier I was an observer at the Halloween parties and dances....now I can and do dress up every chance I get (thank you Suzy, Brett and Chris for always indulging me and being a part of that).
•  I finished a 5K mud run and had the time of my life doing it with some super great women. 
• I went tubing....thanks Nancy!!
• Poor Brett indulges all of my craziness and makes sure to help me when I struggle.  Without him I wouldn't have made it as far as I have. 

Long and short of it....yes there are struggles....set backs ...and I haven't even touched on half of them.  But the pros far out way the cons.  I will always miss the woman I was.  After all, she married a great guy, had two beautiful babies and had a pretty comfy life. But she was an observer.  I want to be a participant. I should've done it far sooner.  I can't get back the time I've lost with my family.  But I'm trying really hard to make it up.  I can't wait to see what's still to come.

With love, Delta Dawn

I look like I'm melting.....

....no seriously.  That's what it looks like under my clothes.  Shorts are NOT my friend.  I knew there would be saggy sking, but I literally look melty.  My skin sags in a way I didn't know was possible.  I love buying new clothes (much to Brett's dismay...lol) but now it's getting hard again.  I look in the mirror and notice my bat wings.  If I keep my arms too close to my body the skin all wrinkles up.  If I try on a pair of shorts I just stand and stare in horror at the way the skin on my thighs hangs....yikes. I don't dare wear a tank top and shorts in front of anyone but family, and I'm even getting a little self conscious in front of them. I was so excited about Old Forge but now I'm getting all anxious because I might have to put on a bathing suit.  I always told Addy if I lost weight I would go on the water rides....well she is holding me to that.  I bought a bathing suit in Florida that I liked but I've lost about 20 or so pounds since then but I'm afraid to try it on for fear of what it looks like.  Hey now I know this sounds like complaining and maybe it kind of is.  But I don't want you to think of it that way.  Just venting, how about that.  I actually don't mind the way I look in clothes, I will never be a skinny mini but that was never what I set out for to begin with.  In fact I like my curves.  I don't mind that my hips are still big and my boobs haven't lost much.  Take the clothes off or have less of them on and whoa nelly, it is not a pretty sight.  It's a little bit humorous....a little bit.  When I express this out loud to some people their first response is to say "oh that's age".  Fair enough some might be age, but not all.  Ok, ok...I've been trying to excercise, and even lift some small weights.  But I think I could do it every day and from what I've read it's not going to help.  Oh well.....stay tuned for more from the incredible melting woman.

You just gotta shake your head and smile!

So working in the mall you run into all kinds of people.  Sometimes this is wonderful, sometimes.......not so much.  Yesterday while I was walking to get my tea I spotted someone I hadn't seen for a very long time.  I did that thing where I pretend to be in deep concentration and that I haven't spotted them.  Unfortunatley they didn't pick up on my subtle hint.  The exchange went somthing like this:

them:  "Dawn!  Dawn!  Is that you? 

Me: "Oh hi person I barely know 'cause we only worked togther for maybe 6 months over 12 years ago, I almost didn't see you there (yes I saw you I tried to pretend I didn't).

them: "what happened to you?"

Me: "excuse me?" (knowing full well what they are talking about but not liking the tone of voice"

them: "well I mean (in a whispered tone) are you sick or something?"

Me: (are you kidding me?) " that would be or something, I'm not sick"

Them:  "Oh good, you've just lost so much weight I thought maybe you were sick.  How did you lose so much?"

Me: "I had weight loss surgery"

Them: "Oh (with a wrinkle up nose).  Well I guess anyone can lose weight that way"  You must have a ton of saggy skin?"

Me: (getting very flustered by this point) Ummmmm well yeah there is a bit of extra skin.  But I feel good and I'm healthier so I guess that's the important part"

Them: "Yeah I guess.  I would NEVER have surgery to lose weight.  I would just have to buck up and do it on my own.  Will power and excercise".

Me:  (smiling really hard at this point so as not to say something equally as rude or well you know me....cry).  "Well it was nice seeing you ,but I'm on a break and really have to get going"

Them: "Ok, well it was nice seeing you, maybe we can do coffee sometime?"

Me:  "yeah sure (so not happening)"

Now why I'm telling you about this is simply because one of the issues that Brett and I talked about before I had the surgery was if I was going to be honest with people (casual friends/co-workers etc) about what I had done or would I skirt around the issue.  We decided that we would be up front and honest.  If this was something I was going to do then I should stand by my decision and not be embarrassed by choice.  This seemed like an easy choice.  Until you run across people like this.  She doesn't really know me, she doesn't know what I've tried to do to lose weight in the past.  She really knows nothing about me.  I'm all for everyone having a right to an opinion, but I do NOT believe that someone has the right to be so rude about their opinion.  Sometimes I'm embarrassed to say I had surgery, other times it doesn't bother me at all, even if I do get funny looks.  But for some reason this one really bothered me.  Maybe it's because I was purposely being rude and trying to pretend I didn't see her so karma came back and bit me in the ass.   That'll teach me. 

Bahahahaha

I just finally finished a blog I started awhile back......yeah it was awhile. The date is coming up February even though I just finished it tonight....see procrastination!

Procrastination......it's what I do best

I have typed.....deleted....typed....deleted....and here I am typing again.  I've lost my mojo for blogging.  Everything I type is boring, uninspiring.  Even as I type this I have no direction.  In fact I'm not sure this won't get deleted as well.  I could make it a whining post.....or maybe a bitching post.  How about an update post??  They all sound terribly boring.  Nothing is inspiring me.

1. My one year surgery anniversary has passed. I'm down 148.... No 150.....no wait 148lbs....I have lost and gained the same two pounds for about a month now. Very frustrating.  Have I hit my goal yet you might ask....well 6-8 more pounds and I would say yes. However if by chance I don't lose anymore, I'm ok with that to.  I feel good, sometimes a little tired but who isn't.

2. Work......well I won't bite the hand that feeds me online. That would be stupid. But let's just say that it's frustrating. There is a lot of change, and I don't think it's all good. I'm trying something new and hopefully I'll have wonderful things to report at a later date.

3. Kids. Ugh!  I love them to pieces, but I have not done the best job with them...lol. They need some motivation. They can spend money like crazy but have yet to make any in return. I have tried talking to them until I'm blue in the face but it's not getting through. 

4. Weather: ummmmm could we get some warmer weather please.

See, what an absolute waste of a blog. I'm hoping by forcing a blog post maybe I'll be able to get some inspiration. We shall see!

My Sunday night blogging view.

Expectation versus Reality

Expectation: I thought I would bounce back quickly.
Reality: I did not.

Expectation: weight dropping off quickly.
Reality: it is not.

Expectation: My energy levels would sky rocket.
Reality: it hasn't.....at least not yet.

Expectation: I would still be the same old person.
Reality: I am not.

What Now??

So now what happens.  I keep plugging away.  I'm getting much braver which is a good thing.  But I still don't feel like eating.  I have to force it.  Things taste fine, but I just don't care to eat.  Go figure....a girl who use to be able to eat even when she wasn't hungry now doesn't want to eat....EVER. I go back to work next Thursday.  I'll be fine, tired but fine.  I have enough foods that I can safely eat at work and in a timely manner. I eat a lot of cold stuff.  Trying to eat a warm meal is tricky.  It takes me so long that my meal is cold by the time I finish.

The next big problem is people "looking" at me.  Not my close friends and family.  But people who know I've had the surgery and they are trying to see if they can tell if I've lost weight.  I could be projecting my own feelings onto them, but sometimes I don't think so.  They look me up and down and I can feel their disappointment that I haven't lost more.  I feel the disappointment every time I step on the scale or look in the mirror.  I'm at 44lbs and can't understand why I'm not losing more quickly.  I'm walking, eating very little.....so WTF.  The only thing I can think of is that I'm still not getting all of the protein I need and sometimes I forget to take all of my pills.  So maybe that's hurting me.  Who knows.  People say that what I've done is taking the easy way out.....well let me tell you....so far there is nothing easy about it.

This weekend we are going to a dance.  I'm a little nervous.  I know everyone will be checking to see what's happening with the fat girl....and they will look at me with disappointment....and because I can't drink I'll have to pretend not to notice. ~sigh~

On a different note.  The room for the kids is almost complete.  I'm so excited.  I hope they enjoy it.  If they don't I'm taking it over 'cause I love it.

I'm Fine!

.....or am I???

This Thursday will mark 1 month post op.  I want to be fine.  I'm trying to be fine...but I'm not sure it's working for me.  Every day is a new start, and I try to tell myself "today's the day I'll do better".  Then before I know it, it's noon and I haven't eaten my breakfast yet and I forgot to take my multi vitamin.  So I down the vitamin (which is better, but still totally gross), and then I try to think of what I can have for brunch.  I'm sick to death of yogurt, but it's the one thing that I know for sure doesn't do anything weird to me and it's got lots of protein. So for now it's my fall back. To top it all off the scale hasn't moved in 3 days and that just pisses me off.  "The book" says that if I don't eat I will experience stalls in weight loss because my body is afraid of starvation so it's hanging on to what little I'm giving it.  Stupid body.  I'm tired, I'm grumpy, I'm whiny....yeah yeah smart asses that are thinking "well that's nothing new".  The one thing I said to Brett that I was afraid of was being sick all of the time.  I'm not sick, but I'm not myself.  I don't want this to be my new self.  I don't like her at all.  I'm trying very hard to keep looking at the big picture but right now that's hard.  I'm just trying to get through each day without beating myself up about what I haven't managed to do. ~Sigh~ If the scale was still moving at least I would have that as a success.  So again I will try to get in at least three meals and make sure I get in all of my vitamins. I go see the doctor on Thursday to determine if I'm ready to go back to work.  That scares me.  On one hand I just want to move forward.....but on the other hand with the way I'm feeling and how exhausted I am I'm not sure it's in my best interested.  Just trying to make sure I don't dehydrate is almost a full time job.  I knew it wasn't going to be easy, but I never imagined it would be this hard or frustrating.  I wouldn't let myself read some of the things on line, cause I didn't want to get scared.  I've read some of those things now and yep you guessed it, I'm scared.  People who are a few years out and they're having blockage issues, or still can't tolerate food.  Some days I think I'm being punished for choosing surgery instead of doing it the old fashioned way.  All I wanted is to be normal.  I think that might be a little to far out of reach.

Just over a week!

Welcome to the freak show!

Yes, that's kinda how I feel......lol.  I did this to be "normal" and I'm anything but.  It takes me forever to eat....drinking is no better.  Everyone has questions, which I'm totally fine with, but I don't want people to think that's all we can talk about.  I don't want people to have to worry about me.  I know that this will all change, but right now that seems so far off.  Patience.....I know patience....I don't think that's one of my finer traits though. 

My one week follow up went well. Wounds are healing nicely, she answered the questions I had.  All is good.

I'm moving around pretty good now as well.  Going to start walking this week. Need to get this body moving.  I'm considering looking into some sort of class or something (I have to wait at least 6 weeks before I get into anything to strenuous).  There is a young woman in Battersea who runs some 4-8 week programs that I've been looking into but I'm worried about cost.  I also was contacted by another friend who recently became a personal trainer, but I'm not sure I want someone who I know well being my trainer.  I'm also worried I won't be able to keep up.  I have never been the most athletic person, even in my younger years when I was a fairly normal weight. You might even say I'm a wee bit clumsy.  It will make for a hilarious work out but it's not something I'm sure I want to share with the world...lol.  The most you might get from me is a shabam class with my family...and I will be wearing depends for that because I'm sure if I don't I might pee my pants.

Surgery

Getting Ready To Go:
Brett and I decided to leave for Ottawa the night before surgery.  This way we wouldn't have to worry about traffic or anything.  I think it was a good idea.  We were both a little wired and this would just be less stressful.  RoSanne met us at the hotel and we just sat around and talked for a bit.  The kids were going to stay at home for the first time alone.  I was a little worried, but knew they could do it.
Surgery Day:
We got to the hospital in plenty of time.  The took me into a pre-op room and got me all settled for a bit.  Brett got to sit in there with me while we waiting.  My surgery was scheduled for 10:25.  They whisked me away from Brett around 9:30ish. We said our I love you's and then he was gone.  They left me in a hall way on a stretcher waiting for the OR to get prepped.  The anesthesiologist was a very nice man, with a kind voice.  When it was time to go in the wheeled me in so far then I got up and got onto the operating table.  This was where I started to get nervous.  But the man with the kind voice, walked me through it, helped me concentrate on my breathing and before I knew it I was out like a light.
I woke up sometime later (I couldn't find a clock) and felt very groggy.  The more I tried to keep my eyes open, the more they wanted to close.  There was a nurse that kept coming over and asking me to rate my pain on a scale of 1-10.  I just kept rating it a 5.  I felt like I was there forever.  Turns out I was.  They didn't have a room for me.  My surgery was over at about 11:30 and I didn't get a room until 5:30.  Thank goodness RoSanne was there with Brett or it would have been a long stressful wait for him.  I kept asking the nurses if my husband knew what the hold up was.  They told me yes.  I guess they didn't until almost 5:00.  Good thing my mother wasn't there.....at least they would've known what was going on.
They finally wheeled me to the door of my room.  This is where they started making me walk.  I thought this was cruel and unusual punishment, but I managed it.  After they got me settled in I got to see Brett and RoSanne. I was however not very good company.  We tried to talk but I was so tired again that I couldn't keep my eyes open.  I think they stayed until 7:00 but really lost all track of time. 
The night was uneventful.
Day 2
I woke up the next morning, managed to get to the bathroom alone.  Was only taking a few meds and managing to sip water like I was supposed to. Brett and RoSanne came to visit for the morning and they left about noonish for lunch and RoSanne had to go to work. The nurses encouraged us (me and the other patients in my room) to get up and walk.  I walked to the shower.  Stupid Bryan (yes they put boys and girls in the same room, I didn't know this) who shared my room was up practically running marathons and farting up a storm, something else I wasn't able to do. I wanted to put a pillow over his face.....I refrained.  Things were pretty uneventful.  
Day 3:
I did however wake up at about 3:00 in the morning and felt a bit icky.  I went to the bathroom and it seemed to take me a lot longer to walk there. By the time I got back to my bed I was very out of breath.  I laid there for a bit and waited for the feeling to pass.  I thought maybe I had gas so I stood back up and just kind of paced around. I mentioned to the nurse that I didn't feel so great but she was just covering for my night nurse while she was on break.  She told me not to worry about it and that she would send my nurse when her break was over.   When my nurse came in she gave me some meds.  I couldn't fall back to sleep.  At 5:00 I texted Brett and told him I thought something might be wrong.  He snuck in to see me at 6:00 to check and see if I was ok.  I said that I would know more later when the day nurse came back in.  I sent him back for some more sleep and breakfast.
At 8:00 I remembering standing to go to the bathroom and I never made it.  I woke up sprawled across my bed, one slipper on one slipper off...and I have no idea if my lady bits were hanging out, my head wedged underneath the bedside table.  Not sure if I fainted or what.  I told the nurse what happened and she ordered blood work right away.  Oh no...today is the day I get to go home.  The blood work showed that my hemoglobin's were down.  Didn't mean I couldn't go home, just meant it might be later in the day.  Stupid Bryan was leaving right then.  Jerk.
At 10:30 I couldn't wait anymore I needed to pee. So Sara (my awesome nurse) and Brett stood with me while I tried to stand up.  It didn't work.  I passed out again.  Sara pulled the plug on all hopes of me going home.  My husband was thrilled, he didn't want to take me home in the shape I was in.  He wanted me surrounded by people who could fix me if something went wrong.  I don't blame him....I would've wanted the same for him.  The biggest reason I was upset about not going home is that it made me doubt my decision about the surgery.  What had I done to myself? Had I made a big mistake?  My hemoglobin's went down 2 more times.  It looks like I had a small bleed.  I would have to go for a CT scan.  They put me back on an IV because I had become dehydrated.  I felt poopy.  After 3 IV bags I started to come around.  I managed to get up without falling down.  I could use the bathroom again, I was just slow.  The CT scan was at 10:00.  It was yucky, the stuff they make you drink is horrible. ( I need to mention here that Renee was a godsend during all of the blood work results and all of the testing, I would text here with updates and she would assure me that this was great news that they were checking all of the things they should be. She would explain anything that I didn't understand.  It was wonderful and I can't thank her enough)
Day 4
I woke up feeling fine.  Almost good.  I could walk.  I could drink.  Now I just had to wait and see what the doctor said.  He finally came in a around 10:00.  I had definitely had a small bleed but it was so small that it was already fixing it's self and the bleeding had stopped.  My hemoglobin's were up and YAY I could go home.  The difference in the way I felt from one day to the next was almost crazy.  I showered and we were off for home.  The drive was fine.  we stopped and saw everyone at my mom's for just a few minutes.  Then I went home and slept.  
Home:
My kids did awesome.  They stayed the entire time alone and took care of the house and dog for me. 
I am very happy to be home.  The first day and a bit I had "at home jitters".....worried I would do something wrong.  I'm much more comfortable now, not quite as worried.  I only worry now that I'm not getting in all of the vitamins I need and I'm not really eating.  I just don't feel like it.  Getting in and out of bed is still hard, and I walk pretty slow still.  But I'm doing good.  I'm down 17lbs so far.  They tell me not to use the scale much yet because it may start slow and then speed up once I get used to a new routine.  

Thank you to my husband for being so patient and understanding.  He did so awesome and is still doing so great.
Thank you to my kids who proved to me that they can take care of themselves and me.  I just don't make them do it.  They did so well, and are helping me at home with anything I ask of them.
Thank you to my mom, who drops everything for me.  Who babies me even when I resist sometimes.  Who forgives me when I get a little snarky with her.  
Thank you to RoSanne for arranging to work in Ottawa so she could sit with Brett during the surgery and visit me.
Thank you to Julie and Suzy for listening to me for the whole lead up.  For cheering me on. For continuing to support me.  
Thank you to Renee who was my own on call nurse even if she wasn't supposed to be working the long weekend.
To all of the above for knowing that I can do this even If I'm not always sure I can.  I love you all so much.
Thank you to the rest of my support system and you know who you are.....I can name each and everyone of you but I'm pretty sure this blog is getting a little long and wordy. If you've ever been to a Sunday Funday or any other event at Grandma Jo's know that I feel you're included as part of my "cheering section".  I couldn't do it without any of you.

P.S. to those of you who know my fear of passing gas....well I managed and it was just as funny as we thought it would be.

What's Done Is Done

Well, I've decided to stay on at the storefront for now.  Would I have liked to sign and walk.  You bet.  But for now it's just not economically possible.  Walking away from full time/benefits and a pension is just to risky.  It doesn't mean I have to stay here forever.  I would be lying if I said I wasn't nervous that they will just find a different way to get rid of me later.  I'm sure that's they're plan.  So hopefully I can hold my own for awhile and then leave on my own terms.
I've decided that I"m not going to waste anymore tears or stress on the whole situation right now.  I have other more important things to concentrate on right now.

and speaking of that……

I have six more days of opti left.  I was surprised that I have been finding it harder now than I did in the beginning.  I mean it's great that I have the chocolate ones now.  That has made it much easier.  But I'm hungrier now than I was in the beginning.  Brett and Addy give me trouble and tell me it's because I'm not always getting in 4 shakes a day. Which is true on some days.  But like today for instance, I've had my morning shake and should be having another one in about an hour or so.  But I'm super hungry right now.  My tummy is growling.  It sucks. 

I'm starting to get a little bit nervous.  Not for the surgery part, I'm still not worried about that at all.  I'm worried about the after.  I was in a good position work wise for being able to take my time eating and really focus on it like they tell you, you have to.  But now that I will be back out in the store I won't be able to focus and I won't be able to take as much time as I might need. That makes me nervous.  But I work with some great people so hopefully they will be patient.  I will just make sure I work extra hard to make up for smaller eating breaks throughout the day.
I'm also getting nervous about hair loss, and being tired all of the time (for the first few months).  Once I lose some weight my energy should boost back up….but the unknown is frightening.
I'm also worried that I won't ever be "normal" again (not a word Suzy!!!) I don't want people to stare at me when I'm eating (I know that my close family and friends won't), but you know those casual acquaintances.  I know it's all silly things to worry about but hey…….what can I say.

Well that was unexpected!

I had my pre-op appointment on Thursday.  Everything went fine, it was very uneventful.

Friday however was something I hope I never have to experience again, but with the way things are lately I doubt this will be the last time.  I had a Friday morning meeting….the news was not good.  They eliminated the seven lead hand positions.  I hadn't quite lost my job, but I had definitely lost my position.  It felt like I got kicked in the guts.  It still does. They are "stream lining".  Kim will now be responsible for Kingston and Belleville and she will do my duties and her own.
I thought I was good at my job.  Apparently I was mistaken. Or that's how I feel.  Now I have to decide if I want to continue working there back out on a desk or if I want to take a buy out.  I'm afraid to go back on the desk.  I'm afraid I won't be able to meet the target numbers.  I see how the reps struggle, I will struggle.  I'm afraid it's only a matter of time before they phase me out. My pride is also hurt, how do I look my co-workers in the face.  Knowing that I failed.  Also I'm bitter.  So what if I can't put the hard feelings aside and all I do is go in there and "push back".  I have 6 more days to decide.  Hmmmm…maybe my fairy godmother will come and *poof* get me a new job quick as can be.

It's the small victories! Day 7 of opti

I took a chance...even though the book says after you pick up your opti they will not switch out flavours.... But I called and they will...woo hoo....I can switch that horrid vanilla for chocolate!  Only the unopened boxes so I'm stuck with a bit of vanilla, but that's ok. I can live with that.

I'm starting to get hungry. I'm not sure whether it's "mind" hunger or belly hunger but whatever it is I wish it would bugger off.

I'm going to walk on Mondays at the school. I will have to make time everyday to walk though so I think while I'm on the shakes I will walk during my lunch. It will be more leisurely but it's better than nothing.

The people at work are being awesome and very supportive. Sam cleaned out her closet on the weekend and brought me some transition clothes which I thought was super sweet. Andrew eats his lunches smothered in onions cause he knows I hate them, and Jenn and Lisa both bring stuff they know I either don't care for or they shut the door so I don't know what the're eating. They also know how much I hate the vanilla and they've been trying to help me with ways to make them taste better.

Hmmm that's it for now!

Day 2 of Optifast

Blech!

That's all I can say about that.  It took me awhile to think of what the vanilla tasted like but I've got it now.  Pablum.  Yep, baby pablum. The smell is awful.  That is what got me the worst.  I tried to go with majority rules and get 4 boxes of vanilla and 2 boxes of the chocolate.  The theory is that you can flavour the vanilla to make it taste like just about any fruity beverage that crystal light makes in a squirty thing.  You can also use extracts for flavouring…..still icky.  I only managed 2 shakes out of the 4 that I had to have. ~~sigh~~ I of course called my mother upset and she came up with a good idea.  It will have to be spread out more through the day but to do them in shots….I'm awesome at shots.  I can do that.  This morning I thought I would give the chocolate a go.  Of course I like them better, and don't have as many.  Unfortunately because it's a prescription you're not able to switch them after you've purchased them.  Someone on one of my message boards suggested I try adding some bakers coco to the vanilla.  Hey I'll try anything.  At lunch I tried one of the vanilla's again with some pineapple coconut squirty stuff….ick.  But I got it down and now I'm already doing better today than I did yesterday.   Yay me!  I've made some sugar free jello which I'm allowed to have a 1/2 a cup of each day for later.  

The one good thing.  I'm not really hungry.  Now don't get me wrong, making Zack toast with peanut butter this morning was painful….lol….but I didn't lick my fingers so I count that as a win…..

Now I think I'll go for a walk….fine I'm going to drive the 4 wheeler to the road to nowhere and then walk from there….hey baby steps.  Rome wasn't built in a day.

It all started July 2nd, 2013

I went for an orientation to learn about gastric bypass surgery.  Together with my doctor we decided that this might be just the thing for me.  I went through some basic testing, sleep apnea, an endoscopy, plus all of the normal testing.  Met with a dietitian, a social worker and a nurse practitioner. Then I waited…..and waited.  I finally got my call to meet with the surgeon in Ottawa.  January 7th I met Dr. Neville.  We went over what would be happening, what I could expect, the usual.  Then more waiting. The waiting stopped last Thursday.  I got my call.  My surgery will be May 15th.  I'm super nervous, but excited as well.
I don't think I worry about the normal things that I should be worrying about.  Most people worry about the actual surgery.  I'm not worried about that.  I'm worried about making it through the 3 week optifast shakes that I have to do to shrink my liver.  My theory on that is that if I could go 3 weeks without food, wouldn't I have tried that already??  I worry that after surgery I won't be able to get up and walk to the bathroom alone and that Brett will have to help me to the bathroom (ummmmm NO).  I worry that I will be a baby.  Brett keeps telling me that I'll be fine, I did bounce back from 2 c-sections without any issues. I worry about making Brett taking to much time off of work all because I won't drive to Ottawa myself.  I worry that I will get the poops at work. I worry that I'll be sick more often. I worry that I won't be any fun if I can't drink with my friends. I worry that I'll lose my friends.  I worry that I won't be the same person, what if I don't like me?  What if I go through this all and it doesn't work.  Then I think, but what if it does work.  What if I can go to a theme park with my kids and have as much fun as they do, instead of being the bag holder.  What if I can walk that theme park without having to take a ton of breaks to rest.  What if I can sit in a lawn chair without worrying if it will break. What if I can go to a restaurant and not worry about whether my butt will fit in the chair or not.  What if my knees stop aching.  What if I could go swimming with my friends.  What if I can go to the movie theatre and not worry about sitting a little sideways through the whole movie so I don't feel like I'm squishing the person next to me.  What if I can be in the pictures instead of just taking the pictures. What if I could stop hiding from people that I haven't seen in a long time 'cause I don't want them to see what's because of me.  What if I could go with Brett to some of his work functions and not feel like I'm embarrassing him (and no he has never said anything like that, he loves me no matter what size I am) I won't even get into all of the what if's that are to personal to share.  But know that there is a long list there as well.
Lets see what will happen…..shall we.

The Uniform

Well I knew this day would come....I try to hide from it but it always comes back to bite me in my robust ass!

Yesterday a lady looking something like this
came to fit us for our new uniforms.  A long while back we had to go get measurements taken and she was now bringing them to see how they fit.  The first thing I noticed was the fact that there wasn't a bag with my name on it.  Hmmmm.....I tried to trick myself into thinking that maybe they weren't going to make the leadhands wear uniforms....stupid girl I am sometimes.  The first person to go slipped into her uniform and well lets just say I was not impressed.  The shirt looks like something a sushi chef or maybe a karate instructor would wear.  The material was also very stiff.  I started to perspire....was I going to have to wear this???  I paced.  Then she calls me in.  "Can you try this on please"?  She hands me a white smock.  Great day to pick to wear my brand new cotton candy pink bra.....sigh.  I go into the bathroom and put it on.  It's to tight around my boobs....it makes me look heavier then I already am. I go out, she fusses around me....she tugs here...straightens there....my chest and face are on fire.  One of my co-workers is standing beside me trying to make me feel better.  It's not working.  I promised Kim I wouldn't cry in front of this women (I kept my promise, but it wasn't easy).  She says I can get it a size larger if I would like....yes please....will mine be white?  Oh no it will be the same as the others, we just didn't have a grey in your size.  They also didn't have pants or a sweater in my size.  Ummm I thought you took my measurements for that purpose...oh you didn't get mine....???? Anyway this is something what they look like.....and they tell us they are good for all body types (this is what skinny bitches say when they want fat girls to wear something out of their comfort level).

and this is on one of the average sized girls.  It's hideous.  The pants, which you can't see, aren't to bad.  That top is awful. 

Needless to say the whole thing has sent me into a tail spin.  Now you poor people who dare to come visit here will have to be subject to my whining.  TURN BACK NOW.....YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!!!

SHHHHH....don't tell anyone....I'm a fat girl.  Like no one is aware of that.  I hate being fat, yet I really enjoy food...and I'm lazy.  I work all day and the last thing I want to do when I get home is exercise.  In fact I'm so heavy now that even thinking about exercising makes me tired.  I'm also afraid.  Afraid of airplane seats that won't fit my ass and seat belts that won't go around me.  Afraid of plastic lawn chairs that might break if I sit in them.  Afraid of car rides that squish me against people 'cause I take up so much room.  Afraid of restaurant booths that I might not fit into.  Afraid of theme parks and water rides. Afraid of movie theatre seats and afraid for the person that has to sit beside me 'cause my largeness falls over into their personal space.  Afraid to eat in front of some people 'cause I know what they're thinking.  Afraid to dance because I feel like people are watching and laughing.  Afraid of clothing stores.  Afraid of halloween and themed dances....there is never a cute costume for a fat girl. Afraid of rejection because you may be disgusted by me.  Afraid of hugs, it's hard to get your arms around me.  Afraid I'll embarrass my friends.  Afraid I'll embarrass my husband.  Afraid I'll embarrass my kids.  Being afraid sucks. I've missed out on so much and will miss out on so much more.  I really didn't want to resort to any sort of surgery but I'm not sure I have any other options.  But again.....I'm afraid.

New Years Resolutions

....do you make them?  I usually try to, but most of the time by the end of January I've forgotten what the resolution was.  This year I think I'll just make one goal.  My goal this year is to become a better spender.  I would say that I'm going to try and spend less, however I love to spend money.  I work everyday and therefore I think I should be able to spend some of that money.  I do need to learn to spend more wisely.  I don't really need to go to shoppers for example and waste money on magazines...with the Internet anything that I think I need to know I should be able to find online.  Make up is another thing I spend to much money on.  I love it, and yet I wear very little of it.  I have very red skin so I wear a foundation/powder to try and even things out and eyeliner are my staples.  When I go out I like to wear some shadow and mascara yet if you ever took a peek in my room you would find tons of lipstick, eye shadows, and different liners.  More then one person could every use and did you know that make up has a shelf life....yeah it does so half of the stuff I have I probably shouldn't be using.  I also have issues with office supplies.  I LOVE them.  So this year I'm going to try and only buy new office stuff if I'm out of something...no Dawn you do not need anymore post it notes, even if they are a super cute colour.  Push pins...well I have boxes in my desk drawer that I haven't even opened yet....and don't even get me started on highlighters.....So that's it for me...spend more wisely.  Sorry Addy this means no more $5 t-shirts from stitches until you grow out of some of the 30 you already have.  I will be pickier about my purchases.
I also have a couple of personal resolutions but I don't think I'll share them....yet.
So did you make any?  Do you think you'll keep them?  Fingers crossed for all of us.